It’s taken almost 6 months to get to the other side of that relationship. Taken almost 6 months to not play the tapes again and again, repeating conversations with her that will never come to pass. 6 months to move on, to let go, to have complete acceptance in the ending of it. Rarely do we have the choice of how things are supposed to go. I can set up all the perfect scenarios, draw tiny little road maps of what everyone is supposed to say and do, how everyone is supposed to act and react. Plan all the perfect moments to make me feel most comfortable and in control. I can design my life as poetry, the most beautiful heartfelt moments, the most heartbreaking tragedies if everyone would just follow along. How could someone not want to create and control all the moments, all the feelings?
On a subconscious level I am always on the search for safety and security. I don’t even know I am craving it till I stop and watch me in my life. Till I slow down enough to evaluate my actions and reactions. Why do I act the way I do, what am I searching for, what am I trying to achieve?
How often is that question asked of yourself?
We can fall back on everything either being based in fear or love and leave that as the answer to all the questions of our actions. I draw these road maps cuz I am in fear of feeling xyz or not being heard or wanting this or that. Is it fear that has me has me obsessing, or is it control, or both? How come love and acceptance are fleeting moments I only feel with the right combination, but fear and control are so easily found?
What is it, lack of trust, lack of being connected to something greater than myself? What do I fall back on when I feel there is nothing behind me but empty space. When I look ahead and all I can see is what was. How do I get so caught up in moments that last only seconds but seem to be chained to my side. My attachment? My clinging to what once was? How is it that moving forward and remaining present in my everyday life is so difficult at times?
Really this is becoming redundant. How many times have I had these conversations with myself, always thinking there is something more to figure out. Like I will come across that one thought that will shine wisdom upon me, and I would be free from this self-made prison. But there are no other answers, there is only what I know and trusting in that, living in that.
So, the question would be, how do I stay present in that? How do I live every moment unattached to the on goings of life but being present enough to feel them and not get caught up in making them mine. I think of myself so much that I make everything mine. You, this, them, that – it’s all mine, and now that I have captured it all I want to manipulate it and change it and make it into my perfect vision of how everything should go.
Why is it that when moments are gone, I still try and change them? Like I will never get that time back to make it as I see fit, yet I will move all the working pieces around like it’s a game of chess against an opponent that doesn’t exist, against a time that once was. My obsessive nature is off the hook. And really tho, how obsessive am I? Maybe you are thinking I think about situations all day throughout the day. I pick stuff up and put it down 40 different times throughout the waking hours and 6 times in my sleep. I obviously don’t count the times I do this picking up of my obsession and putting them down. But I do think it’s fair to say that when in the thick of it, I am playing snatch and grab at least a dozen or more times throughout the day.
So, the question is asked, how do I stay present for what is and not live in what was or never was. How I live alone in my head with peace and quiet and not with all the skeletons and trap doors that lead me down into the abyss of obsession, the abyss of self-obsession. Retraining your mind to think a certain way is not for the faint of heart, it is a rigorous exercise in being present. It’s an all-day job, and sometimes every moment job for some of us. If I was only brought up with the spiritual principals of surrender and acceptance, of faith and trust. I think I was told of these things, but my teacher’s actions were not of what they preached. More often we learn more from what people do than what people say.
Then there is the practicing of what you know to be virtuous and true. The practicing of what is healthy and kind to yourself above what you really want to do. It is so much easier to get stuck in the insanity than it is to live in the solution. I want to be bad and treat myself poorly, but why? Is there a switch that is thrown by one of my multiple personalities that condemns me? I just don’t understand it and work so hard at trying to figure it out. Maybe there is no figuring anything out. Maybe therein lies the issue, thinking and not acting. We don’t think our way into positive living, we act our way into positive thinking.
And truth be told I am grateful for all of this, the insanity, the fear, the joy, the connections. The broken hearts, the bursting at the seams with love, the easy times and the trying times. All of it, all of these experiences, these crazy feelings, all of them accumulating into a life, a life beyond my wildest dreams.
I suffer from the disease of addiction, coupled with a wicked case of depression. I suffer from all the good things in my life as much as the bad. Suffering is inevitable and once that reality is accepted, the suffering ceases to exist. The road maps I draw start to fade, the conversations with self trail off. I’m brought back around to now, to the gift of breath, of sight, of sound. I can feel the atmosphere about me, catch random scents that float through the air. I become present, open, and unattached.
Comments