I bought a mobile home, well more like a tiny home, but considered a mobile due to the two axels and four wheels. It is a whooping 420 square feet, plus two little lofts that remind me of the back of my van. The outside is gray and white, I would have not chosen gray but it’s a subtle gray and I think if I paint the front door a ??? of some sort it will add something to it. There’s textured faux wood flooring throughout, it’s close to the color of aged redwood – a light-ish gray with a little dark beige tone added to it, as the black grout lines give it depth. The walls and ceilings are covered in cheap flat white paint and the cabinets an ugly faux brown stain. Luckily, I know a painter to fix all this. Its small and quaint and will fit perfectly with the minimalist, egoless lifestyle I work so hard to achieve.
I was needing to grow and change, so I chose to. I chose to settle a little deeper into living in San Luis Obispo and to stop my explorating running for a while. Adding running on the back end of explorating adds a sad note to it, but it shouldn’t. That running I did at times took me to some extortionary places and gave me the opportunity to look at myself. To really question my actions and my morals, to answer the question of who I really wanted to be. It set me out alone in the middle of nowhere most times to be left to my spiritual practices and God. I was very fortunate to have experienced everything I have, no matter the label put on it.
Also, it's no mystery that I like to wander, I like to be alone in the mountains, waking to desert sunrises, crisscrossing 2 lane highways as far as the eye can see. I have seen some remarkable places, roads I wouldn’t of ever even known existed till I drove down them. I’m remembering one road impartial, can’t say exactly where it was, but it was in the middle of nowhere. I pulled over, got out the van, straddled the double yellow line and the road was so strait and long I literally lost sight of it. Or the time I was driving in Big Bend National Park in the great state of Texas and was headed out to the southern west portion of the park. There was a river that flowed through this canyon that I was told was a must see. As I drove to it on the only road headed that way it looked miniscule, but by the time I got to it, it was daunting how massive it was. It must’a been a 1000 feet high of sheer cliff. I’ve been extremely fortunate to live the life I have been living.
The last time I owned a home was with the best ex-wife I ever had, Elisa, she’s also the only ex-wife I’ve had and hopefully ever will. I enjoyed being a homeowner and I think I will again. Granted this place is in a trailer park, situated between a tire store and a weed store, it’s close to downtown and I’ll be able to ride my bike to Trader Joe’s to get my groceries on the weekends. I’ll build a nice big shed in the back, a real smart looking one to match the house. On the inside I will have a tiny bike shop, a place for all my tools and a work bench to maybe build something one day.
It was back in 2020 when I moved all my stuff into storage, as I was getting ready to take that big trip and I haven’t seen much of my stuff since then. Between the pandemic stalling my trip for 6 or 8 months, taking the trip, moving in and out of my apartment in 3 months’ time when I got back, to land at a buddy’s apartment where I rented a room for two years.
I’ve been confined in tiny spots in one way or another for the last 4 years. Yes, confined may sound strong but I’m not sure what other word to use, restricted? Maybe living in, but that makes it sound like the space I was existing in was vast. Either way I’ve had little room for nothing more than my clothes, a dresser, a bed and a tv, with my bikes living in my van. Needless to say, I am looking forward to some space to do some other things.
I think sometimes life calls us to make tough choices that don’t always fall in line with our dreams, and it can feel as if we are taking a step backwards, at least buying this place has felt that way at times. Truth is tho, I’ve no idea where my life is going and where all the choices I make will take me. It’s not like it’s written in stone just because I made a choice to go left that the road isn’t going to make 5 right turns after that. I’ve no idea what choice will take me where. I thought for sure I would fall deeply in love with living on the road as Jack Kerouac did and I wouldn’t ever return but to say hi in the winter. I thought for sure that the last time I fell in love was going to last me the rest of my life.
Why on earth do we conjure up this idea that there is a forever? That particular things will never end, that change will happen, but not a lasting change to the things we cling to. Westerners are a silly bunch of people are we not. Eastern philosophies regularly remind its partitioners that nothing is forever, hence the skulls they set about. I’ve a bracelet of skulls to remind myself that death is always closer than it appears and that living in each moment with wonder and gratitude is what I should be doing. It’s not easy to believe that one day you might lose the love of your life, your favorite shirt, your child, all your belongings, even your life before you feel you are ready for it to go.
Maybe I was running from that reality, taking all those trips over the last 5 years. Maybe I was running over a broken heart and always avoiding getting serious with someone cuz everyone I have been serious with has left. Maybe there is a multitude of things I was running from at times. Maybe it no longer matters cuz none of that is now, and now I own a home. Maybe all the things, all the actions, all the misfortunes have led me here and this is where I was always meant to be for now. I learned at some point a while ago not to ask too many questions and to just be here now and enjoy it all, even the pain and sadness. I feel a broken heart really shows a person how special someone else was and how much you loved them and that is something to be cherished.
In my time between getting back from my big trip and moving into here I was in love. I was in love in a way I never thought I would be. From our first date I was done for. I was recently talking with a buddy on the phone, and he was telling me of a second date he recently had. He was saying they spent 36 hours together and he couldn’t believe how good it felt. He went on for 10 or 15 minutes strait about her and all they did and how he felt. My heart swelled with happiness for him, I know this feeling. Hopefully everyone has a chance to feel that feeling at least once in their life.
Mine was with Regina, our first dated had lasted 6 or 7 hours, it was like I met the last woman I would ever love. We had a rocky time in the beginning due to some unfortunate circumstances, split up for a short spell, but got back together and we were whisked away by the love we had. We were making plans to move in together, in her place 60 miles south of here where she lived and taught at a boarding school. We started looking for property to buy outside of California, to start building a home for ourselves and for all the horses and aminamals. It was heaven sent, I never thought I would be so happy being in love.
Sadly though things changed, whether it was me or her, we started to drift apart and no matter how hard we tried to accept one another for who we were, we were not able to. Short trips, counseling, date nights, we tried it all and none of it worked. It ended about 9 months back and it took most that time to move on from the sadness in my heart. It ended poorly on her part, kinda mean and selfish, but hurt people hurt people, so I don’t hold it against her. I think buying this place has solidified our end and wrote the last page of our relationship.
I haven’t relationshiped since our end, I knew I had some stuff to get through and jumping into something only creates another victim of my selfishness, another name on my fourth step. I honestly don’t know when I will get into something serious, after moving on from that I’ve found I have to spend more time with me and working on my new home will give me that. I now welcome that time alone again, no one to talk to, movies and dinner for one, long bike rides, meetings where I am not holding someone’s hand.
I also think the van might be going up for sale sometime soon. I love it dearly, but I think it’s time to get a camping vehicle and not keep a living in vehicle. It was built for a purpose, and it served its purpose. I think a 4-wheel drive truck with a cabover camper is the next project, something that will take me deeper into the desert, and higher into the mountains. I’m 49 years old and for all I know I might not make it to 50, I need to be here now and keep living my dreams. I need to rein in spending on frivolous things, work a few more hours a week and save for those dreams and a retirement in case I live that long. I’m also bound to fall in love again, I’m pretty good at that and doting on a woman makes me as happy as being on the road. So long as I stay patient, live by spiritual principals, and stay true to myself, all will be as it should.
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