We make choices in the end. Debate, ponder, speculate, evaluate and then choose, hoping we made the right choice. Then we wake a little after midnight on a Wednesday and question whether we made the right choice, learning over the years that there is no such thing as a wrong choice. There is such a thing as a poor choice, but never a wrong choice. We have learned that when we start judging choices with a good or bad scale, we fall into judgement of everything that exists, and that leaves us in self-righteousness and ego. But still, we wonder if we made the right choice.
Fear creeps in as it always does. The doubt of self or the world around us comes in and picks away at our choice. This choice being something we came to believe in, something we questioned or agonized over to come to the truth of and it ends up in the red. In the negative. We think, “where did I go wrong (again forgetting there is no wrong) I spent many days and nights deliberating this, I was so sure I came to the right conclusion.”
It’s so difficult for the mind to stay present in the moment, it thinks in forever terms. All of our choices, all of our feelings, all of the people, places and things, forever. It’s like our feet are in concrete and once something transpires that is it, there is no changing it. We develop feelings for this, they grow strong, and we start to cling, cling to whatever it is. Neglecting the fact that all we have is momentary anyways.
We look back at all we built, how little we have, how in control we feel. The feeling of control, what a grounding feeling. So long as I control what is happening, I am safe. So long as I control the conversation, I will always be heard. So long as I control what you are doing, we will always be perfect. We carry this illusion with us that we are actually in control of the future. We’ve free will that lets us make choices in the moment then destiny or fate or god or some force greater than ourselves takes over from there. We’ve very little control over anything and we know this, but we forget it.
We know this from the fear. The fear created from past choices, that didn’t always turn out as planned. We’ve experienced this many times over, this is what built the fear in us. The fear has created some type of safety mechanism in our lives to stop us from taking risks, to keep us safe from failure or pain or loss. To stop us from living freely. Yet we think, “I am free.” I can go to the store and buy what I want, I can choose to go left or right, stay up late or sleep in. I can quit my job if I choose to. But are we truly free or does fear cage us? Does the subconscious idea of forever tie us to what keeps us safe?
No matter how many broken hearts we have survived, no matter how much money we’ve saved, no matter how many houses we own, no matter how many safety features we have built into our lives we struggle with risk. We know nothing is forever, yet we cling to all this thinking it will be forever and keep us safe.
This has always been my Achilles heel. It’s why I am not rich, I am not married, I’ve no million-dollar business, I’ve no published books or trips around the world. It’s my own personal hell I have created out of control and fear. To some my life might not look this way and others this can be seen from a mile away.
And you are wondering, what exactly am I talking about, what exactly is eating at me. Does the “what” matter tho? The “what” has never mattered, it’s the living that matters. It’s the walking through fear, it’s the choosing to live freely, it’s the being alive in the moment and enjoying it. It’s the releasing of the illusion of control and going with a choice.
But what solidifies that choice? As you can see at 1 a.m. on a Wednesday morning I am wavering. What ties us to the choice? Not cling to it out from fear but gives something to fall back on when we do waver. It can’t be the feelings that helped us make the choice, feelings are unpredictable and change with moods and circumstances to easily. Heart’s desire throws us into clinging, desire always throws into clinging. So what do we have to anchor ourselves to when the fear arises? God? A supernatural being we put all our faith and dependence into? Maybe. But what about those who don’t believe in the all mighty that way. What about those who don’t believe in the all mighty at all?
We go to faith. Understood faith, true faith, blind faith. Not faith in a thing, not in a person or a choice or a feeling – all those things to tangible, yes choices and feelings are too tangible here. We trust in faith like the way we trust in the oxygen we breath or in the earth’s gravity or in knowing we will die one day. Faith becomes the buoy that we tether ourselves to when we start to become lost. Not faith in the outcomes, but faith in the movement of the moment. All the while surrendering to our character defects and self-sabotaging ways.
I would like to live multiple lives simultaneously and have one heart and mind absorb it all. I would like to be free of control and the obsession of self. I know no one else that thinks of themselves as much as I do. I would like to be free, truly free so I can love every person I encounter. Free to experience all that life has to offer. Free to let fate do as it will with me.
Last year I took a risk and it paid off for me, it paid off because I didn’t die doing it. Really that is the true measure of something working out for us, whether or not it kills us. Soon I hope to make another change and another after that. I hope to keep pushing the limits of my perseverance and challenging myself to live more freely, live with a deeper sense trust, to walk more and run less. And if all else fails, I’ve always my bike to fall back on, because riding it cross country would be an epic adventure.
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