There is so much to ponder in the middle of the night. Over the last few hours it hasn’t been obsession, just thoughts in and out like the sun peeking through the clouds. I’ve been up since 1:30 and it just rounded the corner of 4:00, I see no sleep before I have to get ready for work. The 2 nights prior to this had some sleep, drug induced of course, Aleve PM worked well. I’ve no idea why I do not sleep at times, something heavy on my heart maybe? Navigating life and the emotional toll it takes, being connected to all I do. Not really the Buddhist way, having the emotional connection to things, yet it is who I am. Always invested with my heart and obsessed in my head. Gray areas are difficult to live in at times, I’m grateful for them, just as much as the black and white. All three teach me something about self and give me an opportunity to feel something, which is a far cry from my old self. Not just the years I used, but all the times over the last 19 that I found ways to avoid being here now and accepting life.
I was thinking about the openness I give on this, the vulnerability to be as transparent as possible, for all 20 of the people that read this. This was never to be what it became, it was to be different, like most everything else we seem to plan in our lives. In the end though it all works out as it should. My ego/self-obsession wonders how I am looked upon, a fool, a kook, genuine, kind, crazy. It wonders if I even matter or if I am tolerated and looked upon with pity. My choices have always been suspect and I’m sure I am judged on them, which is fine, people need to look at others to get a sense of self, to become introspective if they have the gumption to do so. I think I do, I think I see my self clearly, although my perception is always a little skewed by a past experience or a present attachment.
The closer I get too change the slower life seems to move, I watch it like a slow-motion reel. I find my self being in the moment more often knowing a change is coming. Like sitting on the couch at 4am typing away, this will not be soon enough. Soon enough I will be renting a room in Paso, soon enough I will be commuting 40 minutes and possibly beyond that I will be showering out the back of my van for an extended period of time. The next time you shower, think of what it would be like not to have that hot water for 10 minutes every day. Know you are going to lose that, or your favorite chair, or your daily routine. We tend too forget how special each moment is that we live in, each interaction we get to have with someone. We get too thinking forever exists and we will always be healthy and free and taken care of, think of the device you're using to read this.
You drop it and it breaks, maybe a $500 phone, a $1000 phone, a $2000 laptop (if you’re a Mac fan), your sad, angry, now you need a new one or this one fixed. The money you hold tight is now being spent on something you intended it not to be spent on, you can’t buy those new shoes now, more sadness, more anger. Your attached to a plan, an idea, to the way you want things to go, you’re attached to ego. Now fear, maybe you don’t have that money to repair or buy new, now something bigger needs to be sacrificed, certain foods, delaying payments on credit cards. It could snowball into something bigger than it ever was due to your attachment to everything around you, even your thoughts.
It can all change at a moment’s notice and attaching ourselves to anything can only create suffering when it no longer exists in our lives. Now the tricky part is to be with it while it’s here, enjoy it and let it go. We all seem to have this kung fu grip on everything in our lives. The soft sheets we just adore sleeping in, the people we love, the health we have. I have grown so comfortable in this life I have today, the apartment, the money, the freedom of my business, my grate hair, the friends, the family, the love, the attention. I’ve grown so accustomed to having it all around me, the choice to call whoever, whenever I choose, the ability to get up and walk across the room. My life is changing, in small subtle ways but it will affect my daily routine, no big deal, but it makes me take stock in what I have and if I am tending to it. I get to live such a comfortable life at this moment. I have heartache, some small physical issues, some emotional pains but I am still so lucky to have this present moment even with these things.
I know of multiple people with cancer, one terminal, some sever, some in the beginning stages, many who have it in remission. It breaks my heart to see the pains of that existence, the toll it takes on them, the loved ones, the fear that simmers below the surface and I am in awe at the perseverance, the optimism and the resilience to fight it. I take my health for granted, eating poorly, minimal exercise, although I guess there 2 sides of the coin on that one. No one really knows who is going to fall ill and taking care of yourself can only do so much to prevent sickness to coming for you. But still I take my health for granted, I walk around all day thinking I will live forever and never fall ill, subconsciously I do this. Sitting on my couch like a bump on a log I do this. If I was to fall ill, I know for a fact I would start thinking of all the things I never did but always wanted to do.
Life is a trip, the ups and downs, the love and the fear we live in and I say to my self, I just want to be happy, content, to have equanimity. I work towards it daily, especially when I am suffering changes in life, heartache, displacement, pains for loved ones. I seek out understanding and spiritual solutions, thinking - knowing for my self my true happiness lies there. Selflessness, kindness, forgiveness, love in spite of my ego being hurt or desires not being met – all that surface level shit that tries to kill me daily. I am able to rid my life of fear and find true happiness in the moment, no matter the moment cuz it is always changing. I struggle with letting go and controlling outcomes, it creates some of my greatest heartaches in this world. I struggle with being me and being ok with me, I struggle with trusting the process and staying the course no matter the fear that arises. But I do not quite, I do not use, I do not sleep around or buy things or place blame or try and change the way feel. All this will change if I do not attach my self to it, the good or the bad, remembering that attachment either way only creates samsara.
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