Everyone likes a tiny trip, a few days away from all the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Sometimes I forget how much a few days away could change my perspective and bring me back to center. I’m not far off center right now, but there has been a curve in my life. To go from all that roaming and no need for a clock, to my apartment and reminders to be at this or that place at this or that time.
It’s definitely safe to say I had no fear when I was traveling cross America. No fear
of anything, except when I was in the ER for breathing complications. Although I was more scared than in fear. There is a difference, one can be scared and not in fear. I remember as the breathing become more and more constricted and my lungs only allowed quarter breathes, I thought that I might need surgery of some sort. The mind conjures up all sorts of stuff doesn’t it. I had never experienced anything like this in my life, yet I had no fear of it, it was scary, but fear never came in, even when I made a DNR.
I think the difference in fear and being scared is the controlling of the emotion to run. Run mentally or physically. As where you can be scared but you know no harm will be coming to you, or be in fear knowing the possibility of harm is coming. If I was to have to fight someone, there would be some fear there for sure, or jumping off a cliff into a river, stuff like that holds fear for me, I latch on to the unknown. Running into a burning building to save someone’s life, yeah there’s fear there but the drive to save someone trumps that fear. Wanting to kick someone’s teeth in for hurting someone I love or bullying someone, no fear. I would be scared some in all those scenarios but only fear in some.
I know I’m not supposed to live forever so fear of death really isn’t a thing for me, today. That could change though, emotions and feeling are always changing. In the past I’ve been told that it’s hypocritical to change of my feelings and emotions in an area like this. Like “you said you felt this way, you can’t change it.” I was told this cause someone in my life depended on me not to change, to always feel the same way or have the same view. I mean really, that seems a little ridiculous doesn’t it? One day I like the taste of my coffee, after a while I lose the enjoyment of the flavor and search out a new kind. Doesn’t mean I no longer like that brand; I just needed a change. I still like the first coffee.
This holds true in friendships, personal relationships, business relationships, views of God, of right and wrong. We sometimes change how we feel and think of something, there is nothing wrong with growing. But people close to us, ones that depend on us to be a certain person for them, when we change, they normally get hurt. They fall into the fear of what about me. Of course, there’s a normal sadness in losing a relationship but that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about our attachment to what we think is ours or what we rely on. It goes along with our body parts, and their ability to act as we think it should. We say, “these are my lungs, and they should work as I want them to, as they have been. What now if they slow down, if they stop. What am I going to do if I die?” Well, if they slow down, so will your breathing and if you die, well you will die, that is what will happen.
I’m personally attached to all my limbs and the gratitude for all of them working is immeasurable, I am fortunate to have them as I do. I’m attached to them, emotionally, mentally and obviously physically. Even as I write this I think, ‘I shouldn’t be writing about this, what if I jinx myself.’ Funny right, the way our mind works when it’s in fear. I fear losing an appendage, I don’t fear death, but I fear losing an arm, weird right. I guess that goes to show how much my happiness relies on my body. Luckily, it’s not a dysmorphia thing that I have, I’ve such a sadness in my heart for those who have their happiness based in their weight or looks. I used to think I was the ugliest person alive, I hated myself for it. Luckily, I outgrew that neurosis.
Now how did I get here? I was talking of taking a trip and how it brings a person back to center and next thing you know I’m off talking about the difference in being scared and being afraid. Scared is in the moment, fear is of the future, there, that was easy. So yes, fear of the future. Me coming back after such a long trip, coming home to some fear. It’s financial fear of course, getting jobs to replenish my bank account, to fund another trip or pay all the bills. I could go to work for someone, but I would rather do my own thing. Working for someone adds constraints to the day and I like the freedom of being a business owner. I care not for running around most of the day meeting clients and shopping for materials. Hiring people to work for me and playing referee with employees, but I enjoy working for myself. I just like the freedom of it.
So now I’ve 3 choices. I can elevate the fear by having faith, I can get a job working for someone or I can stay in the moment and be right here, with this computer, in the van, on a tiny trip.
This tiny trip, I’ll be gone this time for 6 or 7 days, and can I say just sitting here in the van with my little heater going and sipping on my coffee, I am so happy. This cocoon I made for myself in here is amazing. Yes, I got tired at the end of my last trip, I was needing to get back to SLO, to people, to my couch, too the luxury, but that didn’t mean I was over this van or this lifestyle. It’s a lot like figuring out life and how it flows best for you. We turn this knob, pull that lever, squeeze that, move this, all for finding what works best for our existence. It goes along the same lines with living in the van, finding the right ingredients to making it work. I know now the main ingredient I missed that whole time was working. Next time tho, next time I will be prepared to find work.
Presently I’m in Santa Cruz, Ca. with my buddy Erik, he just got into mountain biking and he’s over the moon about it. It reminds me of when I first started riding, it made me feel like a teenager all over again. He was wanting to ride up here, I didn’t want to spend the coming holiday alone in my apartment, so I made a stop here to ride with him on my way up north. ( I won’t bother going into my holiday issues, but they are there). It’s such a pleasure to see his smile when I ride with him, it’s so grand and all telling. He has been researching products and trails, upgrading his bike and constantly talking about going riding. I am grateful to be here to see it all unfold for him, to see his excitement and feel the pure bliss it brings him. It makes me grateful that I can feel such happiness in my heart for someone other than me. Come to think of it, I seem to only feel happiness for me when someone else is involved in it. Or better yet when I am able to help someone.
I have felt the feeling of happiness for myself before, I don’t know if that should be a feeling one should feel tho. ‘Oh, I’m so happy for myself cuz I got this new car’ that can so easily be turned into an ego trip right? ‘I am so happy I have such a beautiful girlfriend’ that just doesn’t sound right. Even ‘I’m so happy I’m in love’ that one is even suspect to me. The last time I was in love, 6 or 7 months back, I was happy to be in love, grateful for it, but it was never like ‘look at what I have, look I’m in love.’ The one prior to that had some ego as a driving force, I wanted to show everyone. But this last one, for me, it was personal and deep, but that’s not saying the one before couldn’t have grown into that. I was just so grateful that this last woman loved me on a deeper level then empty promises made up of everything but a true heart desires and being caught up in the high of it all.
I feel most of the time I’ve been happy for myself is when I was doing something for someone or getting to experience someone else’s joy. I know people will disagree with this. They will say, “You should be happy for yourself, there is nothing wrong with it. You are depriving yourself from feeling good.” But what if I don’t feel bad? What if I am indifferent to feeling good? Not like I want to feel like shit all the time, but what if I see no need to build myself up with ‘look at me’ or ‘I’m so happy I have this.’ Not at any point on my trip was I driving down the road thinking, ‘I am so awesome that I have this van, I am so happy for me!’ I thought about all my friends back home that would love to do something like this and then I started thinking I could lend my van out for people to try living out of it for a couple weeks at a time. I think I would do it if I wasn’t planning on using it regularly.
I don’t know, maybe I have it all wrong, maybe in being a part time Buddhist I contorted the philosophy and I’m off base. Maybe being in Narcotics Anonymous and given the ok to having spiritual freedom was too much for my wild mind and disdained heart. Maybe growing up Catholic, no, that has nothing to do with anything today. But maybe I’m wrong, maybe this path of spiritual anarchy is doing more damage to me than good. Maybe I should have insulated the van more cuz it’s fucking cold in here. I could fill my world with maybes for as far as the mind could conjure and still be planted right where I am, just a little more lost.
It does not matter who is right and who is wrong in this area of spirituality and possibly any other area in life. Our obsession of self makes us think we know what you should and shouldn’t be, what is right for me is right for everyone, that if you don’t believe as I do than you’re an idiot. I strive so hard to be as far from that as possible, to the point where living out a van so I can be far from the influencers of the life around me and be ok with believing in my beliefs. That is not always easy you know, believing in the things you believe in, at least not for me. Low self-esteem and listening to others, amongst other things, creates self-doubt, and self-doubt leads to questioning myself in a negative way and then my happiness starts to fade.
I’ve grown stronger in holding to my beliefs and not letting my heart be swayed by people’s opinions, but I’ll tell you this. If I have a closed mind, if I don’t stay open and attentive to all that is around me, I will grow selfish and cold. If I don’t question my beliefs and the truth of the world around me, I will become closed off to the moment and in turn lose my happiness. It’s a double-edged sword like most everything else in life. It’s a balancing act, it’s walking a line of self and others, it’s finding your path.
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