It’s cold this morning, cold to where I didn’t want to get out from under the covers. Not the cold that pisses you off, the cold that is just enough to make you want to stay under the covers a little bit longer. I woke this morning dreaming of buying a 4X4 truck and 4X4camper to go with it, 4X4camper is the actual name of a company btw. I dreamt of applying and getting that job for the National Parks department in Wyoming, buying a truck worthy of the snow and mountains. I could see myself being up there, not exactly knowing what I was doing living in the snow. It started turning into a daydream at some point and it was nice to be able to play with the idea of it all. I then pulled the covers to the side, embraced the cold and went to peeing and make coffee. I’ve grown so used to peeing in a jug and defecating in a bag, walking around dirty with the faint scent of onion and feet perforating the air around me... I found a place to stay last night on a site called Hipcamp, it’s like Airbnb but for camping. I chose The El Casmico at Marfa, I know, it sounds trendy or like it’s going to be someone’s backyard with an outhouse and a hose for a shower. It’s the first of the 2 but better.
The El Casmico at Marfa is a rubber tramps dream. Trendy in that hipster/boho, all inclusive kind of way, but still holds the heart of Texas in it. The parking lot big enough to hold 70 cars, the camping area the same, with soft green grass to boot. There are some large camping huts made of canvas, raised up off the ground with swinging doors and A/C . There are some TP’s and smaller camping huts, like those used for officers during the Civil War. The grooviest part is the tow behind trailers dating between the 50’s and 70’s, all painted these wild colors dotting the landscape. There’s a stage and 2 bath houses, a common kitchen and lighted pathways throughout the property. Everything is made of natural materials, the wash basins galvanized tubs, raw steel piping for the water, the valves old plumbing levers. There’s a glow at night from the TEXAS sign in big bold neon above one of the bathhouses, El Casmico in the same red neon above the office.
I stepped into the office after walking around some, hoping for a little conversation and to express my awe of the place, but the woman stalking the shelves was not into talking. I told her how I liked The El Casmico, she thanked me but had nothing more to say after that. Maybe she had had a long day, it was after 7 by the time I arrived and she was still working. The office had a lounge area, cowhides on the leather couches, a few random recliners and leather covered sitting chairs. There were quite a few shelves covered in shirts and hats and incense and handkerchiefs and aprons and all the things one would want to buy. I automatically mentally started shopping for Delaiah, but I did not buy, I am on a budget, although the t-shirts were really cool. It was almost a thrift store with the variety of all they had and convenience store with the beer, cookies and random Top Raman’s.
As I was walking into the office there was 2 guys and a girl unloading their black Tesla model X, all the age of early 30. They had on the new fashion trends, the sunglasses, all wearing skinny jeans and one might have had a bandana of sorts around his neck. I looked down at my dirt covered legs, semi chewed up hiking shoes, the neck on my shirt slightly stretched some from 3 days of use. My hat multicolored from sweat stains, and as I mentioned earlier, I most likely had a stench about me. I felt comfortable tho, like this is just who I am right now, and I love being this person. I have missed feeling that way for so long, I really don’t know if I have ever had that feeling.
I want to say that any time before seemed to have some hint of ego involved in it. Like this is ME and I’d have to carry some arrogance with it or when I owned a motorcycle and that motorcycle defined me. All the time feeling self-conscious and trying to cover it up some. Now, today, I’ve no feelings towards any of it, not being clean or dirty, I’ve no pride either way. Like I’ve no need to define myself or explain myself if that makes sense. And when I say no need to explain myself, I do not mean that in an aggressive way, some people say 'this is me' with assertiveness cuz they are still feeling judged and insecure. Like those words never even need to be uttered, me's and I's do not matter. This makes me think of all the selfies I’ve taken on this trip, I think I’m up to like 5 and I’m smiling in them! For anyone that knows me knows I do neither of those things. I guess I just want to share my joy with people, and I know how happy some of the people closest to me get when they see me smiling in pictures. And for full transparency, those 5 selfies I’ve kept, took about 10 shots a piece to find the one I liked best. I’m better, I’m just not well yet.
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