I wanted to walk into her work and tell her, “let’s go, stop what you’re doing and let’s split. You’re not happy here, I’m not happy there, we want to be anywhere but where we are at, let’s go.” But I didn’t, I said hi, sat in my chair, talked some about nothing and left. “You should go to HIIT tonight, you need it.” I said maybe, I had plans for the beach. The sand between my toes, looking out to the ocean and seeing its emptiness and relating to it and fearing it even though I am in it.
This all started years back and drugs were not the cure even though I thoroughly loved trying them to be. I am the empty, the crazy, the unstable, the roll a coaster ride of insanity and so many think me to be stable. I tie my life together with dental floss and the wings of fly’s. I survive myself by continually giving of myself at every turn, so I spend as little of time with me as possible. As of late I don’t see myself staying clean, I flirt with the idea of using like you do a dirty girl, knowing she’s all bad but you really don’t care cuz you know she knows how to love a motherfucker and that’s all you really want, to be loved. To be held, tiny soft kisses laid on your brow and all the pains of existence and worries of happiness and the tears of tomorrow that drown you are all washed away by her lips, her smile and her love.
This all started when I saw that picture of me as a child, maybe 5 years old? In my yellow rain coat and tiny galoshes and the sadness in my eyes was all I needed to see to know how much I knew at such a young age. How difficult finding happiness was going to be. They said it will be easy, I say fuck you. They also said let love find you, when you stop looking it will find you. Well my GPS is broken along with my emotional stabilizer so I must search. But why? Every relationship ends in tragedy and it’s only the relationships with a few men in my life that have not designated, they are closer to me than herpes and have always stayed true.
This all started when she left, actually Laura was never really there, her lies were but I loved them as much as I loved her. It’s been 3 years and I haven’t been the same since. I relate with my boy; he knows what I feel. I don’t think I ever loved anyone as much as I love my ex-wife. I am so grateful to have met her and had her in my life, no one knows me like she does and all I want is to be known, to be connected. God has me out here in the wind and rain and now the summer heat, it’s 90 today and I’m sipping on an iced coffee as the anxiety pulses through me like an electrical current trying to fry my insides. I sit here in this world of self-pity as Larry undergoes open heart surgery, how self-obsessed can I be. I sit here with 10’s of thousands of dollars in the bank and my employee can’t even afford a new cell phone, how fucked up am I. I owe everything I’ve worked for, everything I have earned because I do not deserve so much. I mean have you met my daughter, she’s amazing and I get to have her in my life. Have you seen my ex-wife, as beautiful as god itself and my friends, my close kind sweet loving friends who would travel across time and space if I asked them to. I’ve never felt worthy of all I’ve received in this life, so I keep trying to give it away.
I mean seriously this all started when I didn’t have a dad, he was there but he never cared. I’m 44 years old and when my mother viciously yells at her rat ass little dogs I cringe cause it’s the same way she yelled at me since some of my earliest memories. I feel so lost, so full of nothing. I can’t say I’ve always felt this way but there hasn’t been many days where I haven’t had to feeling swirling in me, in some corner of my consciousness. You can’t expect us to be well when we were raised by the crazy, by the sick and dysfunctional. Like this is reality, this is my existence. I’m a ping pong ball, I’m a blind man in a world with no round edges and truth is I’m not sure how I got here. I mean god said I was made perfect in it’s eyes hahaha that sumbitch. It all started in Catholic school hahaha, them peoples really made me feel like shit. I wonder if I’ll ever know god. Maybe I’ve met it, maybe in moments, in my daughters laugh, my ex-wife’s eyes, my mother’s touch, when my grandfather died, when my boy tells me he loves me, when I’m alone and nothing can touch me. I’ve met it at times, god, happiness, peace. When I’ve let go of all worldly objects and came back to center.
I mean really truly this all started from before I can remember but it reignited last night when I had her at my house, stripped down to nothing but her soft body and I became disaroused at the moment of conception, conjection, consummation. It’s not the first time, but it throws me every time. It’s quite fucked when you just want to get lost for a while, but you need more emotional involvement to actually have sex. You undergo a spiritual journey and it becomes more then you figured it could, I didn’t think I would need to be emotionally involved to be able to have sex. I didn’t know that money would lose all its meaning. I didn’t know the more I looked at what society was doing I would be less interested in living in it. I had no idea that every time I saw someone’s selfie, I would have sadness. That every time someone talked about themselves without being asked about themselves, I would see ego. I had no idea that when I stopped giving my opinion I would stop listening to yours.
I think if I just packed up right now and split, maybe took a month to finish my van and leave. Take on no more work, get a storage unit and pack this life away. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like this town is strangling me, that each breath wasn’t that of emotional castration. Maybe if I packed up and split, I would end up in the desert listening to coyotes and watching amazing sunsets, sitting under waterfalls and riding trails that meander through the forest and maybe, possibly, quite maybe possibly live and die as Chris McCandless did.
I think it’s wonderful how elusive my sanity is, I mean I honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Manic depression, bi polar disorder, addiction all of the lovely above, call it all what you will, be it as it may. To go from the depths of sadness last night, to the low of laying on my floor a few hours ago wondering how I was going to get throw the next few hours to being here at Starbucks and feeling alive and free and scared of what the rest of the day is going to bring. I am so grateful to be alive today and have all this in me, no matter how bad it kills me at times.
Comments