The TV is stupid, I’ve known nothing more tragic than this contraption slowly picking away at all the smarts I’ve built up over the years and Facebook – that thing does more damage than I could of have imagined. I mean I know FB rot’s my happiness and shows me just how boring and pointless time spent on there is, but it’s been taken to a whole new level recently. The TV, same shows, same 20 minutes to find something I am only partially interested in cuz what entertains me has shifted. I end up in this stagnant pile of skin and fat on my couch, crunching Fritos and seeing how long I can melt an Oreo cookie in my mouth before I chew it. It’s like I have made it ‘OK’ to sit and do nothing cause everyone around is at the same place in their lives. It’s pandemic season… You know I was in my pajamas at 4:30 one afternoon this week and eating dinner by 5! In my pajamas! Who the fuck does that!?
Do you ever think that you can wake one day and go, “Oh, I’ve been depressed” Where you look at the way you have been walking and it reminds you of a person with a bad leg, one that kinda drags behind you. You have this slow sunken drag walk, almost zombie like except you crave ice cream and cheeseburgers instead of brains. And you know the crazy thing, this has been my life for the last few years! Like this is nothing new to me yet the pandemic has somehow shined a brighter light, a different light on all the things that eat my soul. It’s life slowed down long enough for me to get a clearer view of self.
I mean really, how is life going to be any different once this quarantine is lifted? What, go to a few meetings a week? Hug someone? … Nope that’s it. I mean I don’t even feel locked down and maybe that’s cuz I get to go to work. I crave something deeper, bigger, something made of virtue, not all this idle chatter and sarcasm. All these opinions floating around like kites in the sky on a windless day – which would basically be a bunch of people running up and down the beach or in the park in a chaotic manor tangling each other up. I so bad want to tell you of my week, the stuff I’ve dealt with, but why? What would that do? I would either be venting with processing or complaining being the catalyst, pending the intention. Either way does it matter, could anyone really give a fuck as to my week? Yeah maybe you’ll have empathy for me, maybe you have resentment cuz your week was worse, but really would it change anything? This is just life as I know it today, pandemic or not.
Bad stuff happens to good people, good stuff happens to bad people right, wrong. There are no good or bad people, just people. There are no good or bad happenings, just happenings. Recently I helped out someone else who was incarcerated, cuz that’s just what I do. Scince their release I haven’t heard from them, it makes me sad. You think, ‘oh your clean now and we can be friends again’. No, that is not the case. We’ve had these talks over the days, months, years and now your home and I was nothing more than an object to get you by. It’s pretty sad ya know. This person, these peoples are not good or bad, right or wrong, just people making choices out of selfishness. I do it, I mean why do you think I continue to be that guy. My intention is to help, to be a friend, to care for someone but at the same time I get a friendship, I get to cure some of the loneliness I have through letters and phone calls. I get to feel needed, I get to feel important, like it builds a worth in me. I’ve done this my whole life and been judged for it my whole life lol. Doesn’t make me good or bad, right or wrong.
But we sit in judgement right, we place our own personal opinions of situations on stuff that was derived from our ego, from how we see ourselves, from our pompous, arrogant selves, from our perception. This reminds me of Facebook, there is so much opinion and grouping of a people cause of their beliefs or social standing, so much anger and judgment. This constant fight, this filth that spews forth from over dominating opinionated peoples. And my peoples, well we are supposed to be tolerant and kind and compassionate and spiritual. We are supposed to be walking a road of acceptance and surrender. And my people are all people, not just program people.
So I sit here, on this couch, sinking deeper and deeper into the cracks of my hollow, this plush backbreaking couch of mine. It was my bed for a couple weeks last month cuz the bed was too lonely to sleep in. The couch kept me confined and stopped the flailing around in the cold empty vastness I feared in my room. I’ve boxes of clothes packed for storage in there, empty walls – this whole apartment is a half-packed box. And I turn to the TV to forget, turn to Facebook to cast shadows over my life and find a deeper sadness there then I do in my thoughts. I’ve too much information at my fingertips, to many visuals, to many options. I think of the road, the empty of it, to the desert with its starry nights and cold crisp morning in the fall and blistering days in the summer. I think of the green valleys that track for days along two-lane highways, mountains and treetops so high they seem to touch the clouds, campfires and the scent of pine needles filling the air. Tiny towns with one gas station and a diner that still lives in the 70’s, to the bustling streets of big cities where the concrete is warmed by the electricity that flows through the air. I think of these places that my soul craves, no matter how hard I try not to desire, there are somethings I cannot want, something’s I cannot control.
So I shut off the TV, put my phone down, light some incenses and write. I open the blinds letting in the outside world, say my prayers and meditate. I pick up a book, a guide if you will and learn how to be more like me and less of everything else around me. It’s so easy to get caught in the insanity of the moment, locked in the fear of my tainted perceptions, wrapped up in the insanity of everyone and everything around me. I do not judge or fault myself for this, my world has been training me like this most of my life. People will be people, we will do and say and be as we choose to be, as we see the world around us, as we see and feel about ourselves. We will live in judgement and fear and anger and self-centeredness until we have the wherewithal to stop and look at ourselves and choose to change and even then we can go deeper, go beyond our perceptions and lessons we have been taught over the years, beyond the first steps of change and find a new truer version of self. One that doesn’t need distraction or flavors or attention or objects or ego. One with no fear controlling our thoughts and emotions.
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