So I’ve talked about this guy I met a couple times, Timber Hawkeye. Can’t really say he was born with that name, be cool if he was. He doesn’t look Native American, I can’t see a white family naming their kid that, maybe they were children of the 60’s. Anyways, he owns 5 gray shirts and a couple pairs of jeans and that’s it. I mean maybe a sweatshirt, jacket and a smart dress shirt, but his every day attire is the same – gray shirt, blue jeans. He say’s and im paraphrasing, it simplifies his life, his decision making and takes all ego out of dressing. I can see this, I am this. You want to be looked at like you’re not poor, you want to be desired, you want to feel sexy, you want to fit in, want people to think certain things about you, you want to change the way you feel – so much can be put into dressing.
Today I cut my closet by at least 2/3’s. I packed away 2 big boxes of clothes and 3 kitchen trash bags. The trash bags will go to the goodwill and the boxes will be stored. I’ve one small box on top of that which has clothes I might take with me on my trip. I’ve amassed so many clothes over the last 20 something years, hanging on to every thread for god only knows why. When I showed up too San Luis in my beat up truck I had like 2 small boxes of clothes, maybe 3, my best button up – my only button up had blood stains on it from a drunken night of stupidity. I look to my closet now and I’ve enough to clothes to dress a small army, it’s disgusting. I am not at the point where I can just get rid of it all, again I’m only a part time Buddhist right now, so the boxes will be stored. Also fear is there, what if I want to wear something, what if I’m not capable of this, what if my ego needs to be fed, what if I get to feeling insecure and I need something to throw you off my scent. I can tell you by the time I got towards the end (2 hours later) I felt more and more disgusted over all I have held on to. I shouldn’t have all these clothes, there’s so many people out there that need these more than I do. It’s gluttonous and very disturbing to me.
As scary as it was to do this, even though I didn’t give away all my shit, it is freeing. My closet looks like it went ona diet. Have you ever had long hair and cut it all off? I’ve done this twice in my life and for me it was, it was more then liberating or freeing. It was the shedding of what I thought defined me, what made me ina sense, just like the clothes. Just like the 20 bottles of cologne…
I’ve nothing but simple t-shirts, a couple pairs of jeans, couple sweatshirts – that’s it. A jacket. The t-shirts are black and blue and brown. Levis. Black and blue sweatshirts. Simple. Black rain jacket, blue jean jacket. No thought of what to wear, no way to dress up, nothing too think about, involve my ego in and if I see my self doing so, that means I need to shed more clothes.
I was leaving the supermarket today and saw a Range Rover, it was sexy looking and I really don’t use that word to describe much, but it was. It looked as if it was moving sitting still. I thought I would like to have that car, it would make me feel many types of ways. It would totally boost my self-esteem, people would notice me, have envy, I’d feel rich and successful – my ego would be full for a short time. It would make me feel like someone more then who I really am. I turned my head to my 97’ Suburban, dented with peeling paint, old and loud and slow - my Suburban and I have so much in common. I’ve always desired to be flashy and to be admired, all my friends were growing up, they were all so put together and cool, I was not. I was awkward and lonely and shy and skinny and just different. I tried and tried to be like them, to be the same but I could never achieve it. Fast forward 10 or 12 years and that’s when I started down that road of ego quenching behavior. There was a reason I never fit in that mold, there was a reason I was never like them.
Ya know, not all of them had it like that, my low self-esteem built a couple of them into that, my perception is most often skewed. None the less they were the epitome of cool and I was yearning to be just like them. When I got clean I was able to keep the job and buy the clothes and the cars and motorcycle and the boots and the watch and all that flashy soul steeling shit. As the years went on I hid my self from seeing this, I really realized it during my divorce, like a light turned on. I bought smart clothes right afterwards, I had spent $750 on clothes I never wore but I thought they would make me desireable or give me some self-esteem. They didn’t, I never wore them, they wear button up’s and skinny and squared toed shoes. I was so broken and felt so ugly, I was doing all I could to survive that time in my life without getting loaded. It was that divorce that propelled me onto a different path, searching out happiness within. I wanted to be less on the outside and more on the inside.
As I write this I look at people close to me, some could care less of how they dress and maybe some just buy clothes to wear but that was never me. There was always ego gratification involved. I’ve a close friend that would promptly tell me they could care less as to what they wear, yet their ego is unbelievably huge in other areas. Like I don’t need to look glorious, I am glorious. I think, ‘is that a judgement, why yes it is’ I tell myself. I need to judge others ego’s to work on my own – if I don’t evaluate someone else’s ego then how will I ever measure mine? That’s where it start’s I reckon, looking at one person and comparing yourself to them. A starting point. From there I think we need to lean towards looking to those that show less ego and try to emulate them, cuz really judging is ego filled – although maybe motives play a role in how ego driven it is. And there is perception, my perception of someone is only my self-centered view which is mostly made of ego.
So think, for a moment, what if you got rid of a 75% of your clothes and you only kept the plainest ones you owned. No high fashioned name brands, nothing with sparkles, no collectable sneakers, no gold chains, no diamond earrings – just the simple things…
Packing the clothes is the first step to packing the house. I did pack one box a couple weeks ago, knickknacks and whatnots, this weekend was the clothes and linen closet. I’m a single man ina one bedroom apartment, how many towels do I really need? I’ll pack one more little box of objects tonight after the meeting and let it all settle in. I’m scared, I feel selfish for doing this. I’ve built such an amazing life here, I’ve needed not in years and here I am, walking away from an unbelievably comfortable life, it’s seems almost insulting to all that struggle. I don’t know if I will make it out of this apartment, I might be the hamster on the wheel for a while. I keep reminding my self that nothing is permanent, this apartment, the objects in it, the people in my life, my health – all of it, none of it is permanent. So leaving is just living and none of this is even mine to hold on to. It’s late January and I’ve 3 months to go…
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