I had a thought the other day while climbing a steep trail on my bike. It was a beautiful late morning, the sun bright, the sky blue, no clouds in sight. The trail started at the beach and wound its way over hills and through canyons. Every so often I would get a glimpse of the ocean, see Morro rock and the waves crashing on the sandspit. I was struggling, not riding much due to rain and laziness, and adding on the 10 pounds I picked up over the holidays. The wind was blowing something fierce, so much it slowed my climb ever so. Riding in the wind is not the most delightful experience, but somehow struggling up a mountain is.
It’s a grind, it’s a trudge, it’s arduous, it’s what I am asked to lean into being Buddhist. Buddhists believe that turning away from something that is difficult, is turning your back on enlightenment. People as a whole lean into comfort, consistency, complacency. We attach ourselves to what is familiar and soothing, fearing having to change and grow through discomfort. I did this for many years and still do at times, most every time I look at social media, I am turning my back on a difficult moment. I am in avoidance of what is presently happening and most times it is me by myself and I am avoiding my thoughts. Today I try to stay open, whether it’s a mental, emotional, or physical experience, I try to stay open and not live in avoidance. I tend to forget all this a gift that comes to me at every moment of my life.
As I grinded up this mountain, sweating through my gloves with labored breathing and tired, sore legs, I got to thinking about the experience. I got to thinking about how fortunate I was being able bodied to work at such a task. Even though I struggled and contemplated turning around at various spots on the trail, I kept peddling. I know what it’s like to turn around prior to the end of things. Jobs, meetings, relationships, friendships, I know what it’s like to give up, to turn away from the difficult times. I mentally project that I will not be able to withstand what I’m about to go through, I’ve the propensity to become closed off in difficult times. It’s my view that skews my experiences, it’s my attachment to what has happened and my fear of what could occur.
As I climbed towards to the top a gratitude started to build in me. A gratitude for my health, for my bike, for my van that got me to the trail, for waking up. The list grew fast and became quite long fairly quickly, I started to again realize how much I take for granted. I do this unconsciously, I’ve never wanted to be a person trapped in self-obsessed and entitlement, but I am, constantly. I tend to forget so frequently how small and meek I am to all that is much more powerful than me. Your anger, your vengeance, your hurtful words – all much more powerful than me. I cannot fight them; I cannot repay you with what you have given me. I can only be in acceptance of it all. I can only look to these actions as a gift, as a learning experience of how feelings are intense and how they cause harm to us when we are attached to them.
I started looking at the way I use the word “my”, as I did in the start of that last paragraph. The ownership that comes with that word. The idea that I possess something in this world, the idea that I’ve control over all that I have. I started to remember that everything that is in my life and my life itself is a gift from God. I get to being so self-centered that I think I own my legs and my breath, my daughter and my family, my cars and bikes and clothes. My money, my food, my existence, I think it is all mine. My neurosis tells me this, it is not true. It has all been placed in the care of me by God with the hopes that I will treat it all as a gift and not as a right to have.
Approaching life with the wisdom that everything is a gift in my care fills me with warmth and security unmatched by any tangible experience. I can see all my footsteps as a gift, the air I breathe, the way my fingers strike the keys and the thoughts I get to think. My daughter, my friends, my housing, all in my care momentarily. Some things last a lifetime, others so brief that if I am not grounded in the present moment I will never know they existed.
But now the question is asked, how do I stay here? How do I keep this conscious thought, this view of everything being a gift. My poor me’s and desires get so strong, my body and mind get so tired, my heart scared from all the breaks. How do I take in all of my life and stay in gratitude of it all, even the painful trying times. One could dedicate their entire life to working at being present and quite possibly never achieve it for more than a moment.
And there it is there; moments arise and die so frequently that the phrase “a lifetime in a moment” was coined by someone at some point. I stay in gratitude by staying present for every moment I am in and being solely in that moment and every moment being the entirety of that life.
We know everything has a shelf life; your sneeze starts then ends within seconds. It lived and died so quickly, and you were fortunate enough to be alive to experience it. Everyone knows a good sneeze is refreshing. A sip of coffee, no two sips of the same cup of coffee taste the same. The coffee cools in between sips and the flavor changes just barely enough to make the next sip taste a wee bit differently. But we are not always conscious enough in the moment to experience it and have gratitude for that sip and everything that is tied to it. The strength to pick up the cup, the skill to bring it to your lips, the lips to wrap around the cup, taste buds, swallowing, digestion, the list can go on and on. All of it taken for granted because we are self-entitled, unaware human beings.
We don’t think them a luxury, the sip of coffee or the sneeze, but they are, just like every moment we experience. We don’t see all nouns of our lives as being placed in our care and we should. Can you imagine that if you cared for everything you have in your life as much as you have cared about your worst obsession, how grateful you would be. To be that open to take everything in as it comes and to let it go as it leaves to make room for something else! It would be bananas!
I work daily at staying present, I spend hours writing about it and working with myself, but I don’t see everything as a gift that has been left in my care and I should start doing so. I bet that if I did, I would really start experiencing a beauty in life that I never knew existed. I would start experiencing a deeper understanding of unconditional love, I would start to care more for everything around me. I would start to become love and not just use it as a word I know. I would live without fear and regret, I would become so much more selfless and that much closer to my true nature, a person of service to others.
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