Neurosis

Neurosis – a relatively mild mental illness caused by organic disease involving symptoms of stress (depression, anxiety, obsessive behavior, hypochondria) but not a radical loss of touch with reality.

I fall into this type of thinking on occasion, on a semi-daily occasion that is. It does not last long, maybe 5 minutes, maybe an hour. The work I do to not get sucked down into that rabbit hole (of which I normally refer to as insanity, which I will now refer to as neurosis) has been a tireless effort. It’s taken years upon years to semi stabilize my mind and not fall fool to what lives between my ears. I am not always excellent at it, hence the momentary semi-daily lapses, but I am far better than I have ever been in my entire life. And it’s more than just not falling into that neurosis, it has just as much to do with that as it does about spreading love and compassion in all areas of my life. It’s about being selfless and selflessness being just as difficult a lesson to learn as changing the way my mind works.

I’ve always seen myself as selfless and compassionate. I’ll point out the kindness I have given to others, the money donated, the time shared, the jobs given. I’ll tell you of the times I let little old ladies go before me in line, the times I corrected the cashier and gave back the money that was not mine, the loans that were never repaid, the last piece of cake I gave away, the people I’ve helped move. But all the while I still had the thought of me in the back of my mind, I still had my best interest in the long run, I gave enough not live in hardship, my sacrifices only go so far. Maybe that is how it’s supposed to be, self-preservation is a human condition that cannot be avoided. Maybe we give just enough to feel good inside, so we can feel kind and compassionate. Maybe we do it so we can tell others about it. Giving financially and physically is easy, especially if you have an abundance of both. But what about emotionally, what about the redacting of ego?

What is emotional selflessness, is it even a thing or something I have just made up. I think emotionally selfless is when I do not personalize someone else’s experiences or feelings, even if there is something about me in there. Emotionally selfless is where I do not attach myself to someone else’s feelings and let them have their experiences on their own and I can just be present for their experience. It’s redacting the ego, not making it about me, even if it is about me. It’s about turning the other cheek when I am crossed, when someone calls me an asshole and I find no need to react with anger or vengeance, where I can let it go and not make it about myself. Maybe I was being an asshole, maybe that person is using me to let out aggressions from something that has nothing to do with me, either way, is a reaction necessary? Can I be selfless enough to let that moment go and find love and compassion?

In the program we simplify it with, “do you want to be right or do you want to be happy”. Most always we choose happy cuz we know from life experiences being right sometimes comes at a cost. Always being right makes us feel detached and lofty, almost superior to others. Even if you are most always right, do you really need to let everyone know? Not only is it filling ego, but it is creating a self-centeredness of immeasurable pain, I truly believe self-obsession is the loneliest place you can ever be. To be selfless I think one must be fully open and aware, one must be rooted in faith and trust in the path. How much can you make this life not about you and about giving to someone else? All your kindness, all your love, your compassion, your prayers, your forgiveness, all the good juju you have cultivated, given to someone else.

I am only part-time at this, my walking on water days have yet to arrive and if they ever did I would turn them away. It is with sin and ego that I learn most all my lessons, the pain those two actions bring into my life push me into being self-aware and closer to god. Luckily most my digressions are against myself nowadays, although I do owe amends on ocassion. I think the goal is to not strive for perfection but to be aware, to be precise in the moment, to then be selfless enough to be wrong and kind and loving and compassionate and forgiving. The more I work towards this type of life, this belief, the less neurosis I have in my life. The more I stay present in the moment and cling less to all that has happened or what could possibly transpire, my ability to love freely and unconditionally grows. I have the hope that if I keep practicing, one day, I will be freed from the bondage of self and know a happiness beyond my wildest dreams.

Namaste 🙏🏻