I wish I could just stay up here for forever, in this tiny reading loft that resembles the back of my van. I was so in love with my van at one time, I still am, just a little more grounded with it these days. My van was an escape pod for me, it was like The Great Space Coaster from when I was a child. This puppet show/cartoon had this space vehicle that looked like a coverable car if I am remembering correctly. These puppet animals acting like kids would take this vehicle/spaceship to places unknown. It was always an adventure for them, like my van has been for me. The joy driving aimlessly brought me, the solitude, the magic of my van, it’s literally been one of the best experiences of my life.
I have done so much writing while rambling along in that thing, so many dreams I’ve chased down and lived. I actually made it all the way to Jack Kerouac’s grave, something I had wanted to do since I was 20. It’s odd the way we don’t understand how fortunate we are until the moment has passed and we reflect on what was. I think back to my daughter being so tiny, I think back to being in love with my ex-wife, so many loves I got to experience. To my mother when I was a child, how fortunate I was to have her. The gratitude begins to fill my cup over, I lose all reason to have dismayed about the present, I have been so fortunate. I forget that this may be as good as it ever gets in my life, and I need be a little more grateful for every morsel of it that I get to taste.
My tiny loft. Books of Buddhism spread about, a meditation corner, sticks of incense burning one after another, paper and pens, journals and a computer! Brand new carpet to spread out on, with cushions and blankets and pillows. How fortunate am I to have such a space to go to, to get lost in. I should take my tv out to the trash and spend all my free time up here and not engrossed in the mind-numbing sitcoms that suck me in like a black hole from Hollywood.
My loft is my new van, windows open with fresh air pushing its way across the room. A soft white light bulb that glows so delicately in the night. If I could spend all my time up here, dreaming, thinking, writing and reminiscing, so I can fall in love once again with all I have had and still have today, how simple this life could be. Going out for meats and fresh vegetables, sweat and salty snacks and soda waters. Riding my bike mid-day when the trails are empty and the sun not so high and hot to burn the tops of my once soft ears, now scared from lack of sunscreen.
How fortunate am I to be here now, in this simple state of existence…
And then it changes, the moment swept away like dust bunnies under old bookshelves. I slowly drift back down to a state of mind and emotion that is not heightened by dopamine or serotonin. The magic fades and the bliss of being pinpointed, completely connected, to now is gone.
This is normal, and too common in the world of us layman. I said it before, I can see how easy it can be for monks and ascetics and people of the cloth to have so much joy, so often. To be untouched by greed, envy, jealousy, low self-esteem and so on, comparison, the thief of joy. That constant devotion to a faith, that alone makes life simple and easy. To live so humbly, no wants, no needs, no push to keep up with the world around them. A life uncomplicated by all the trappings of the civilian world.
So, we must rally, we must muster the fortitude to work at it again. Work at getting back to that sweet spot of gratitude and joy. Letting go of all thoughts, they are nothing but the trappings of an obsession and compulsion. Coming back to center and not being stretched thin over your neurotic mind. Remembering that this moment now is the perfect moment, and you are blessed to have it. No matter where you are or what is happening, there is joy abound if your perception is on point. It’s not easy to see this, to live this. It takes hours, days, months and even years of starting over and never giving up, of working at being happy with what you have or don’t have, at any given moment.
And just like that it comes back around, the joy in my heart. I do love my little life, my nonchalant, humble, basic life, the one that’s overlooked cuz it’s not flashy or bold. When you glance at it, it reminds you of bland oatmeal or the color of plane. But it is so much more. It is everything I ever truly wanted in life, equanimity, coherence, simplicity. I never wanted more or bigger or better, to be larger or grander, in my heart and soul I forever wanted to be ok with who I was and what I had. I have that today and I couldn’t be more grateful.
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