I can’t help but wonder what she is doing this morning. I care not to be with her, I care not to be with anyone really. No matter how many little white pills I pop this feeling seeps its way in. Like a poisonous gas pushing through the cracks of a door in a B rated movie. The kind of movie were the actors over act and the subpar camera was purchased in a pawn shop.
I would like to think my life is such, a B rated movie that’s only watched when there is nothing else to check out on. But it’s not, my life has been an amazing adventure, it’s been more than what I could of ever dreamed it to be. Yet still, I’ve a sullen heart and droopy mind moping about thoughts. What is it that makes me so? I’m not unhappy, I’ve an ample amount of gratitude, I truly know how lucky I am to be alive and holding this position in life. Is it loneliness, is it the disease of addiction, or is it just my trained mind reverting to all it’s known since its conception.
Since it’s conception, the day my soul found a suit and ventured into the third dimension. I wonder, is it that the body I chose came with this mind and my soul is now bound in it for the better part of this eternity? Is there a delineated line between mind and soul? Does my soul create the thoughts my mind thinks? My soul has such a different calling to it and my mind is like an escape room it’s trying to get out of. Or maybe it’s my heart, maybe that is the culprit, the creator of crazy and unsatisfied desires. What is it that draws out my melancholy? That breeds this feeling of nothingness in me.
I feel as if I was born sad, that since my conception I have always felt this way, as if I knew something about life before I was even born. And I can’t stop thinking the thoughts that a good long walk makes sense, a good long ride into the desert would parallel the way I feel, give these feelings a companion.
I’ve spent many days as of late riding around San Luis on my yellow tandem dressed as Santa Clause. It was a random thought I had, thinking people would get a kick out of it, and they did. People honking their horns and waving, driving by me at a snail’s pace taking pictures and videos. All the shoppers smiling and waving, some asking for a picture with me. Handing out candy canes to kids and 5-dollar bills to bums.
The joy my heart felt in doing this, weaving back and forth across all the lanes in the street, ringing my little sliver bell on my handlebars and shouting Merry Christmas to one and all. Their smiles, the joy it brought, the bashfulness by some and pure elation by others. Those were the ones I truly fell for, the ones that lit up with brightest of eyes one could imagine. Most all my happiness comes from making other people happy, it’s my truest pleasure in life. Being of service to others has to be the biggest gift I have ever received. The ability to completely exclude myself from the end result and focus all my desires into making someone else feel joy and love and compassion. It’s then when I feel I have found my purpose in life, its then when my heart, soul and mind are all connected.
To be connected, really that is what is craved, to feel held and cared about. I cannot think of anyone who does not wish for such a feeling. Personally, romantically, any way there is, just not to be alone.
They say if you have God in your life than you are never truly alone, that it’s presence alone should satisfy any empty feeling within you if you are properly connected to it. God has never filled my emptiness; it is not a belief I subscribe to. In the program they say that all the stuff you are cramming into yourself, the sex, the drugs, the objects, all of it - stuffing all that garbage into that deep black hole of pain and misery in your chest. That that is the God hole, and if you choose to fill it with God, it will disappear. I chose to fill mine with spiritual principals, which could be construed as filling it with God. Either way, I took kindness and compassion and forgiveness and selflessness, and all the other virtuous acts known to man and filled my God hole with that. And even tho I try and walk the path of the righteous, I still feel alone. Even when with someone and connected on that crazy level we call love, there is still a bit of loneliness in me.
Maybe I know something most other people don’t, maybe I am missing out on something other people are not. I don’t really know and possibly never will. I mean what happens when we die? Are we let into the pearly gates of heaven and given all the answers to life’s mystery’s while we reconnect with all the people in our lives we have lost. Or are we reincarnated, drifting through the cosmos till another body is found and ready to be acquired. Or is it that when we die, we are permanently extinguished, and all is forgotten. There are some things we will never know and I’m thinking I will never fully know why my melancholy has never left me. Maybe it was just the way I was made.
I’m thinking that is the best answer I can give myself; this is just the way I was made. Whether it’s my mind, my soul or my mad heart, this is just who I am. And there is solace in that, there is a comfort in finding that acceptance, a surrender that doesn’t necessarily take away the melancholy but makes it palatable and bestows a happiness in me. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s my truth. No matter how many pills I pop, prayers I recite, meditations I do, acts of service I commence, steps I work, meetings I attend, people I help, lovers I have, therapy sessions I do - there will always be a bit of this beautiful melancholy in me and for that I am grateful.
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