Morning dew is starting to become a regular thing now, all the windshields of the cars in the park glistening like diamonds. The air a bit more crisp, not yet biting but nipping at my face. I love the seasonal change from summer to fall, the way the leaves start to turn, gold and orange and brown, then falling to the street where the wind pushes them around. The air is alive and bold, the way the sun starts it’s move towards sleeping more, the shadows grow longer, and the sky takes on a slightly different hue. I know the holiday season is close, not only does the weather tell me this, but so do the stores that are starting to stack the isles and shelves with all the festive tchotchkes. Something within me also tells me to this. I couldn’t tell you what it is or how it talks to me, but it knows all of this is coming and the feeling it gives off is comforting.
As a child I used to dread this time of year, this all meant school had started. All the freedom I felt was leaving, and the sadness was entering. The solitude of summer that saved me was being replaced with low-self-esteem and depression accompanied by the failing at school I did so well. This turning of the season was not so beautiful back then as it is now. But there were good times, like sitting with my sister on the couch watching family sitcoms, our mother making chicken and rice for dinner or fending for ourselves with frozen pizzas. I remember getting the worst chapped lips back then, so painful. I kinda laugh at it all now, I was a wreck of a child, how sad it must have been for my mother to see this way. I am very fortunate to have the ability to remember the good times as well as the bad and not cling to either one of them. Now grown I actually look forward to all the good and the bad, knowing I do not have to hold them close.
I’m thinking of camping this fall, in the mountains, where its cold in the evenings and even colder in the mornings. Dawning a beanie and jacket at night while sitting by a fire, the warmth of my bed in the back of my van when it’s 40 degrees inside and outside. Making coffee and crawling back into bed and reading or writing. Exploring in the day, wandering along the shoreline of a lake or riding aimlessly. Watching squirrels dart about, gathering nuts for the coming winter I assume. Evenings walks after dinner as the sun sets and casts those long shadows I adore so much.
The last time I went camping in the fall was 2 years back, my ex and I went to Dinky Creek, up above Shaver Lake. There was barely anyone in the campground, maybe 5 cars at best. It was so quiet, so perfect. The camp host would come by once a day and check in on us, it was nice to chat with her. I think meeting people in such a setting is different from meeting them in their daily lives. It’s like a guard is let down and a peacefulness resides in their heart. There is no dealing with the hustle and bustle of life on life’s terms, the campground is not overrun by people partying till midnight, and the mountain air in the fall is the best ever, it’s like sea level air but on steroids. Who wouldn’t be in bliss?
I think I’ll head up to Bass Lake, there are some really cool hiking trails up there. I stumbled across them many years ago while trying to get lost. The trails are covered in dead pine needles, it make the ground glow like it’s a copper carpet. The trails meander along through lush forest and giant sequoias, there’s also some mountain biking trails, of course, I can’t go camping without mountain biking being involved. Even riding on a double track, it doesn’t matter. To be in the forest, peddling along through the tress, redwoods and sequoias and ponderosas, by flowers and ferns, up peaks and down into valleys, meadows so calm and serene. I look forward to the day I am able to move to the mountains.
When I write about life it seems so perfect, so simple. The pauses I have when trying to figure out how to word a thought or feeling are not like the same pauses I have in life when trying to figure something out. When writing I see very little as being negative, I get to come back to my center, my true nature, love and compassion for all and everything. The way I gotten to this place is from repetitive action, practice. We just don’t wake one morning and say, “I’m going to have compassion for all sentient beings and only live with love in my heart”. It is something we must work towards, constantly. Constantly reminding self to be present in the moment, to be connected to now, each step, each bite, each thought, every stroke you of life you paint.
Distraction comes with ease, sitting on the couch watching tv or scrolling through social media or online shopping for things we don’t need. We are easily able to get so lost in this stuff that it steals all our joy and the beautiful experience of living. Sometimes we get so lost in these things that when our name is called or the phone rings, we feel a bit of resentment at these bothersome interruption. The focus gets so great that we completely block out things around us, for me the ringing in my ears completely disappears.
Here there is a fine line between focus and avoidance, we mistake one for the other often. Focus is paying attention with a relaxed state of mind and being, avoidance holds aggression when the moment changes or we are interrupted. Avoidance in this context is referring to not being connected to the moment, to the world around us. Focus is being in a state of acceptance, surrendering to all that is happening and trusting in the dharma. Again, not something we wake to one morning and have the amazing ability to live this way.
In the program we turn it all over to a higher power, we let that power care for our lives and the outcomes of whatever is happening. We take an inventory and see where we came up short and amend it. We work at being of service to others and to the program, we teach ourselves how to be selfless. Now what if you could live that way at all times of the day, we could be connected, serene, selfless, have focus without avoidance. I mean life would take on a different meaning, we would walk the path we only get glimpses of most days.
This is all very similar to a question posed in a workbook on the 12 steps, “what would your life be like if you surrendered to everything?” What if you didn’t need to “work” at any of this and it all just started coming to you, you flowed into living in this way. The simplicity of it, the joy you would feel from not only being present and in acceptance, but the love for yourself would flourish and the ever nagging self-esteem issue would start to fade away. The self-centeredness, the core of the addict’s disease, would be stifled.
I’ve read countless books on Buddhism, all of them speak of using the same spiritual principals I have learned in the 12-step program. Of course there are other teachings in those books, stuff that some people would rather not get into or believe in, like reincarnation. Some of the books speak on how to walk the 8-fold path or they home in on dying and how close we are to it. There are parables of old Buddhist monks giving lessons by way of riddle or cryptic story so the student can find the answers through their own examination and not one altered by what the teacher thinks. Yet all of them, every single one, speak on the importance of meditation.
Meditation for most is like trying to put a cat in the tub, it ain’t happening without a fight and the minute you get the cat in there, it claws, hisses, bites and jumps out of the tub! The chaos and calamity of it makes me laugh, how bananas is it that it is so difficult to sit silently and watch your breath.
When I talk with people about meditation they tell me how they do it. “Well, I only do guided meditation, it gives me something to focus on and helps me sit still” or “I do walking meditation, I’m able to think more clearly when I’m walking”. Then there’s the people that say, “I don’t meditate, it’s too hard to sit still and my mind never shuts up”.
I’ve learned there is no wrong way to meditate, whatever brings you back to your center is good. But in breathing meditation with no walking, no guidance, we are left with learning how to work with our mind, not avoid it or control it, not quiet it, but how to not get attached to any one thought or feeling. It teaches us how to be in the moment and aware of it, we learn how to not remove ourselves mentally or emotionally because we are in complete state surrender and acceptance.
I’ve always wondered how those Buddhist books I read always find their way to talking about meditation, and now after all these years I’ve a clearer understanding. I started this entry with talking about the fall season approaching and how enamored I am with its change. How I look forward to the changing of the atmosphere and the setting sun and the shadows and the cold. Wearing sweatshirts and Pendletons, having the morning cold nip at my face. And as I went down this road I ended up with meditation, what do the two have in common? For me the commonality is learning a way to be more present with this seasonal change, to be better connected to it. To catch all the smells, see all the wonders, to be present for all of it.
As always, I end this entry with joy and a smile on my heart. I think of you and pray that you get to feel as I do right now. In acceptance, in surrender, at peace with yourself and the changing life around you. How fortunate are we to be living this life, breathing in this air, even for those waking this morning in sadness or pain. You get to be a part of this life, in the thick of it, and hopefully you are able to rest on the assurance that change will come, and the pain and the sadness will cease. It might be brief a cessation, so be sure to be present for everything that is happening and grateful for all the moments. The feeling of relief is as alive as the feeling of pain, we do not get have one without the other.
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