I grapple with letting go, I mean who doesn’t right. We get into comfort and do not let go due to fear. I was just talking to a guy at a bike store and he was telling me how all the clothes he owns fit into a duffle bag - I instantaneously became envious of this. To only have such a small amount of clothes, there could be no ego involved in getting dressed, ever.
Our conversation started with me telling him I was looking to buy a bike I can ride on gravel roads yet is comfortable on streets. I was telling him about my up-coming trip and considering the fact that you cannot mountain bike in federal parks I wanted something to ride while I am staying them. He pointed out a few bikes, some of which didn’t not have the look I had hoped they would but were suitable for my needs. None the less the conversation took a turn into philosophical expounding on his part. It was a one-sided conversation but what I have learned in those situations is to listen cuz sometimes there is something being told to me by the universe. Well that and its kind to listen to others even if they are over talking, maybe they just need to be heard and it’s my ears that are supposed to be bled.
He leads what seems to be a very simple lifestyle. Manages a bike shop, hangs with the fella’s after work on occasion and drinks some IPA’s, rides a few times a week. Has a girlfriend, minimal clothing, minimal everything for that matter. He started telling me about the choices he has made with his life and how moving when it’s called to do so has worked well for him. He walked through the fear and wound up in good positions that he didn’t see coming. “You just have to walk through the fear, right” when I said this he lit up, like everything he walked through before and made it out unscathed flashed in front of him. It was the mantra of the conversation and I needed to hear it. Over the past few weeks I have been faltering on taking this trip, I started making a list of a million reasons not to go. My teeth need work, I have plantar fasciitis, work is abundant, I might date someone, the central coast is beautiful, my parents are old and need me close, Madonna Inn cake, I mean the list goes on and on! And on my list to leave, cuz my heart tells me to, cuz we live in the now, cuz life is quick, fast and unpredictable, cuz death waits around the corner.
I stood there for about 30 minutes listening to his story and how everything in his life has worked out one way or another, just like everyone else’s life unless they died. I mean it always works out, just not always the way we want it to. He went into telling me about a kid that was in the shop last month, he was riding a fixie from Frisco to LA and staying at hotels along the way. He had one change of clothes and washed them every night in his hotel room. It’s those people, these people I need to see, to know. It’s like how have I stayed clean, I hung with like-minded people.
I am so small in my life, trapped in my apartment, venturing down the block to meetings, to work, an occasional ride. Consumed by depression and laziness. Fighting my self to be more, to do more. I have always wondered how someone can become trapped in their life, feeling like they are waking ina morg every day, how they gain weight, start to look pasty and anemic. I now know how, it’s a combination of my present lifestyle mixed with ice cream and Oreo’s. I can take pride in something’s I have accomplished as of late. Not sleeping around, not spending money moronically, not getting into a relationship just to be in a relationship. I mean these are big things for me. I am used to depression, it’s been with me my whole life, it is what it is. I don’t fight it or hate it or try to character defect my way out of it. I accept it for what it is and move on. It’s as bad as I see it to be and as simple as I see it to be.
But this is not the topic… I guess there really is no topic. There’s just this. Moments that happen that I relate to my present circumstances. I try to stay aware, slow and perceptive to the best of my ability. I listen to what is being said and not just the noise coming from someone’s mouth. Sometimes I am incredibly good at this, other times I am Facebooking while you talk to me. Hence the reason Ima part time Buddhist.
I managed to get the sink working in the van, had to use a drill press to make the hole for the faucet, stainless steel is crazy strong. The foot pump works well, should save water dramatically when washing dishes and what not. Also got some paint on the cabinets and the passenger side uppers are ready to be installed. Next weekend I’ll pull the propane tank to have it purged and filled and then I will have hot water and a working cooktop. The porch lights should be in today and by porch lights I mean the light that will sit above the side sliding door, might also install one on the back of the van. Watching this come together is kinda exciting, it’s been a year since I started this project. It’s not as exciting as one would think it to be tho, probly the fear of the escape date. People mainly do this in their 20’s and 30’s – not in their middle 40’s with no way to make money.
We go on faith tho right. We got clean on some type of faith, had kids, took jobs, got married, it all started with a faith. A belief in that - that is what we were supposed to do. A hope that we were making the right choice, not even knowing there is no wrong choice in most all circumstances. There is simply choosing, when we start to judge the choice as right or wrong, good or bad we attach value to it and that value emotionally involves us with the outcome and hence our equanimity is thrown off. There is just choosing and being with the choice for that moment in time. My idea that everything I have is always going to be here is crazy. I look around my living room and imagine everything slowly turning to dust, what then, what does my life look like after all this “stuff” is gone. It is the same with my choices, what I choose to do is only for that time, the outcome of the choice will only last momentarily. The repercussions will last longer, days, weeks, months, years – but we do not live where we don’t exist. The outcome of my choice is only momentary.
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