During a very brief meditation this morning I had a thought, well I had many thoughts but this one stuck, I’ve come across it before. It wasn’t so much a thought as it was a feeling or experience, none the less it went like this:
Watching my breath I started to see my consciousness, I started seeing my consciousness apart from my body and it gave me a look at another idea of self. I was detached from my body ina sense, like almost hovering behind my body as it sat crossed legged on the meditation cushion. My consciousness had no form, it was not a silhouette of me watching me, but it was a thought, it was the thought I was metaphorically seeing. It saw the body as a shell, a confine of sorts. It saw life in the same manor – or should I say I saw this cuz my consciousness is me right. Nonetheless it was like I was detached from everything around me but also that was about me, that made me and not just the physical me but the emotions I feel. It’s like I once again realized how unimportant atoms are. It was a pleasing feeling, it felt right, not many things feel this right in my life.
There are many ways to meditate I’m told, but I only meditate the Shamatha or Vipassana way, to sit, be silent, still and try to only focus on your breath. Focusing more on the outgoing of your breath and that pause of nothingness before the body inhales. There is walking meditation and guided meditation and visual meditation and more then that I am sure, yet all those have the mind focusing on a variety of things. Take walking for example, the one which would seem to have the least amount of thought. I mean your brain says to walk and you don’t necessarily need to tell your legs to move, your knees to bend – they just do it. But you need to watch where your walking right, to make sure you don’t trip and if you’re walking on the street you need to make sure you are not run over or on a track so that you do not bump into anyone. These are simply the momentary actions you have to pay attention to. Yet as short or quick as they are, they interrupt your meditative state from quieting the mind and that creates a domino effect. “ I almost tripped on that, I wonder if anyone has ever tripped on that, had I tripped I might have been hurt, had to go to the hospital, I don’t have any money and who would come see me, awe my daughter, I love her, I wonder what she is doing right now” and the thoughts go on and on and then you trip over something thing cuz you were so lost in these thoughts and not paying attention to the moment. Walking meditation sounds dangerous to me.
Guided meditation has your imagination running wild, just the same with visual meditation. I am not saying these are not good ways to distract your mind from your daily experiences and give you something to think about that brings you joy. I’m just pointing out that there is not much silence and surrender to your thoughts in meditation like this and all this brings me to this morning’s meditation, the way I saw my consciousness being removed from its body. Was I really meditating or was my imagination taking over? Shamatha meditation is watching your breath and that is it, watching it come in and out but focusing more on the out, one pointedness. The body will automatically breath in so there is no mental action there, but you can hold your breath (mental action) so watching it leave the body brings us to one point of concentration, one thought. I have to watch my breath come in and out, just watching it leave isn’t enough for my mind to focus on, it tends to run wild like a child.
I do like the idea that we are not our bodies, our thoughts, our surroundings. I like the theory that we are our karma, our consciousness, that we are more than what we see or feel. Maybe it’s a form of detachment, a way to run. Maybe it’s easier for the mind to deal with life if it can alleviate everything that weighs us down, I don’t know. I do know I want to be happy and at peace and here now. I want this moment, not next week’s bills. I want these keys beneath my fingertips to hold all my attention, I want this moment to be infinite and it is so long as I stay in it. Like meditation this morning, when I see my consciousness removed from everything around me, even my body, time almost stands still. There is no concept of time, of pain, of elation, of people, of the air or the sun, there is only the moment. I am free of all that is in me and around me.
It isn’t always like that, the surrendering to my existence and releasing of thoughts. Most mornings it’s like turning a dial on a radio, one voice after another leading me down rabbit holes of idle chatter. But that too is meditation, meditation has as much to do with quiet mind as it does the body. We sit crossed legged, spine erect, shoulders hanging off our body, arms relaxed. Hands in lap, palms up, left under right, thumbs touching. Eyes slightly closed, gaze fixed on nothing in particular. Body relaxed yet posture true. You sit in the posture and have get an itch on your face, does it really itch or is your mind distracting you? If we are not our bodies then that itch doesn’t really affect us, right? Meditation is not about controlling your thoughts, that is absurd, that’s like trying to herd cats. When I tell myself not to think something, I tend to think it more or ask questions as to why I should not think about said thing. It is only is surrender are we able to find acceptance. When my head gets to talking to me during meditation, I simply remind myself to look back to my breathing and my attention is paid to that, to the moment and the thought dissolves. Maybe it comes back, maybe it doesn’t, most likely a new one occurs. Either way I surrender to it, accept I have drifted off and refocus. It’s quite simple to do, although annoying it can be. When we go into meditation with the expectation of complete silence of mind we are setting ourselves up for failure. When we have any expectation, we are attaching ourselves to something and that never brings positive results.
Mediation has taught me to be patient, it has taught me that everything happens in its own time and all I have to do is sit still and wait for it. Of course, we do footwork to achieve goals throughout the day and in our lives, but there is always a waiting period. It’s in that waiting period that we find our true selves. We find our selfishness, our desire for instant gratification, our ego – we find our kindness, our acceptance and surrender just the same.
Meditation has taught me to be here now. Our lives are constantly lived in the past or the future, rarely are we present for what is happening before our eyes. How many times have I walked by a garden and never saw the flower’s. I saw a glimpse of color, maybe a passing fragrance but I never truly saw the garden. I am consumed with everything outside of now that in order to be in the moment it takes a diligence, it takes actual work ina sense, always telling myself to pay attention.
Meditation has learned me to stay attentive to now, to be still and silent and open, aware of my presence and all that is around me. Do I fall short at this, yes – especially in conversation where all I can do is think of literally everything and try to pay attention to you. There is no perfection, everything is a work in progress.
So I will go back to my cushion, I will light some incense, say the prayer of Saint Francis, recite the 4 immeasurables and sit. I might have an experience, I might just sit there with committee in head – either way I will work at being still and present in the moment.
Namastey 🙏🏻
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