The apocalypse is dawning and life as we know it will never be the same. We will fall to fever and cough; our insides will turn to soup and we will feed the worms and beetles that live beneath our feet. We will see a new day rise, one that eclipses the falls of the mightiest empires. Our days are numbered. The government will come down on us mere peasants with the wrath of 10 dictators, stealing our freedoms right before our eyes. They’re going to take our guns and our children and turn us all into mindless slaves that wait in never ending lines for potatoes and tainted water from a tap.
How fucking ridiculous is all of this? The amount of fear that is shot out into the world, the presumptive ideas of the conspiratorially theorists. The fear of a sickness that most survive and mainly the old and week seem to parish from. That sounds horrible huh, that’s the reality though right. There is no acceptance in any of this for most. I lost my little mind for a few days, let the fear slowly creep in and lock onto what it thought was a good place to destroy my serenity. Fear is interesting like that, picks your most vulnerable spot and festers. Puts you in the mindset to live so far outside of the moment that reality is but a dream, a child like falsehood that never truly existed.
I spend time alone, tons of time alone, I have empathy for those who do not, this must be difficult for you. To sit with self and all the thoughts, all the fears, all the memories, all the self-reflection. Ooohh the self-reflection!! Holy hell my tiny toes on fire running from me! And you didn’t want to meditate, you didn’t want to take the time to breath, let go of all your thoughts and be here now. Be with self. Work steps. Lift the veil of ignorance and fear and be naked. Be vulnerable. You know there’s no better time to start then now.
I must admit though, I did look on the county website to see if the dog shelter was open. I thought “shoulda gotten a puppy when they kept falling in my lap”. But alas, I have commitment issues – maybe that’s why I am attracted to women that are unavailable. I like them cuz they remind me of my mother when I was a child. Love me one minute, abandon me the next and I will be yours forever. Be crazy and helpless and I will care for you till the end of time. Therapeutically I am told I try to save my mother when dating woman that portray these characteristics. My ‘friends’ laugh and make fun of me for it, “here’s a broken one Jacob, you gunna save her” (by the way, not such a nice way to refer to someone, not like I haven’t but I’m trying to change). And myself, I like to think it is just in my nature to take care of people, to be selfless and nurturing. No matter how you judge it or me does it really matter? I mean the apocalypse is unfolding like a tightly creased sheet of paper and inside it reads “you are all fucked”.
Odds are I will contract the contagion, I will fever and cough and have labored breathing, I might parish – 25 years of smoking and breathing in paint and led dust, my lungs are not what they used to be. It is what it is, it is not now and so I will not worry about it. There is no precaution that will stop death if it is coming for you. There are measured steps we take to stay safe and not fall ill, to not be injured in a car accident we wear a seatbelt, to not mush our brains we were helmets when needed. But the reality is, if it’s time for something to happen it will. The choices we make will get us there faster or slower but we will get there.
So what is the fear? It’s the change huh, the diverting of our cozy normal lives that held us so securely. In the program we try to be in acceptance of change, people often share about how difficult it is to change. Whether it’s a behavior, a job, house, lover – the resistance is immeasurable to most other difficulties in life. But really what is not ever changing? At any given moment, what, if anything, is not changing? Even inanimate objects are changing, as I type this, these keys beneath my fingers are changing, moving. Everyone remembers science class right? Atoms vibrate and a high rate of speed and everything is made up of atoms so even the most solid surface is forever changing on a molecular level.
It’s attachment to the present that keeps us stuck, our attachment to the past that keeps us stuck, our attachment to our desires that keep us stuck. It’s fear of fate deciding for us that keeps us stuck. It’s lacking in the faith that keeps us stuck. It’s the idea of control, the myth of control, the purely insane thinking that you got this that keeps us stuck. Bound and confined to our minds, trapped within imaginary walls of feelings. The childlike behaviors that start to ensue or the catastrophizing or the survival mechanism that kicks in. All the self-centered acts that portray our westerner civilization as pompous and haughty, as self-absorbed and cold. We are seen as a joke to the world, we are seen as greedy and ugly, especially when it comes to self-preservation. I think it quite hilarious that the quote “We are Americans we will survive” is actually being spoken. “We are Americans we will overcome – right after I buy out all the TP”. When war is upon us we seem to rally ‘round, one for all and all for one! But when a world pandemic arises it’s ‘fuck my neighbor, Ima gunna get mine’. It’s ‘I don’t wanna stay inside and let’s go with 3 feet separation’. It is what it is. We will most likely never all be on the same page cuz we live for self and not the betterment of others. This is our sad reality.
Its odd the way that works tho, like you can be all “I gave someone a roll of toilet paper yesterday” while you have 20 rolls in your house. You feel you were giving and selfless and you were. You gave as much as you were capable of giving, as much as the fear would let you give, as much as the selfish part of you was willing to let go of. Someone else could be all “I gave 10 of my 20 rolls away today” and it’s the same scenario, that person gave as much as they were able to. I live alone and work on construction sites, 4 rolls will last me at least a month and half. Out of my 20 rolls I could part with 16, that is the amount of selflessness I am capable of. No one is better than the other, not one of us right or wrong, this are just our personal capabilities with faith and selflessness.
Again I think it’s how much fear we live in that is the driving force in us when making all sorts of decisions that create change or leave us vulnerable or in total powerlessness. It’s fear that divides us from that spiritual connection that calms our mind and connects to our hearts. But now that the shock is over and the reality of this time in our lives is slowly sinking in, what now? It’s only the beginning, we have months ahead of us with this outbreak and years of dealing with the fallout. How do we move forward in a compassionate way, how do we not fall back into fear? What if you still have not accepted the fact that this is really happening, how do wake to each day with that fear, that undeniable feeling of needing to be in control.
I could not do it, I would get loaded, I would need to change the way I felt the easy way – through drugs. Sitting in meditation, turning to prayer and waiting for direction, being here in the moment is not the easy way, it’s not the way of instant gratification - it’s the spiritual warriors way. Ya’ know I was never able to get on board with that saying, ‘spiritual warrior’. Warrior has aggression in it, even being a spiritual one; aggression in any sense creates disharmony within your soul. It creates force, heightened feelings, manic actions. It’s pushing, pulling, trudging. I understand the terminology of it, but I cannot subscribe to it.
I care not to have aggression in any area of my life, I lose my equanimity when in that frame of mind. I slowly lose my grip on the ground and to a small degree drift upward towards clouds and reality ever so slightly changes, it becomes an emotional experience and not just an experience. When I emotionally attach myself too anything it changes its true nature, it becomes mine and then I start making it what I want it to be. It no longer stands on its own to where I can see it for what it is, admire it and let it go. I have coveted so many things, people, experiences over the years, always contorting them once I got my hands on them, truly losing what made them so magnificent for me to pay attention to in the first place. I do not want to live in fear today, I do not want to abandon reality to change the way I feel at any given moment. I want to walk the path of knowing everything is how it is supposed to be and all I’ve to do is accept it.
I’m not perfect, most every day I fall into self-will and a character defect of some sort. I'll act out or sit in judgement or live in fear, in some way I'll stray from that spiritual path. But my intentions, my intentions are to never cause harm, to live in compassion and be of service. I try to be the best version of what my higher power wishes me to be and in living this way, working towards this I find that inner peace I so dearly need.
Namaste 🙏🏻
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