I’m look forward to next year, just wondering around the country and writing. Searching out inspiration and writing. New faces, new meetings, new roads, maybe a new life, one I can make whatever I choose it to be? Maybe I make it out of here, maybe I don’t. Maybe I crash the van and have to start over, maybe I fall in love and choose not to leave, maybe I leave and fail, maybe I leave and it becomes the biggest adventure of my life. I don’t know, but I do know I’m just grateful for the opportunity to be alive today and to have options, to have possibilities. Not everyone in this world has the freedoms I have, I am very blessed. If you are reading this on your phone, you are part of the worlds 67% of the world’s population to have a cell phone and if you’re on your computer right now you are part of the worlds 56% that owns a computer. Only 42% of the world’s population is online. So, if you are reading this you my friend are very blessed…
Almost all the paneling is in, the fridge is actually sitting on the floor of the van as I type. The sink/cooktop is here and ready to be installed, once the cabinets go in. The bedside lights are here and this week Michael the Mechanic is making a little box to put where the electrical system is to mount some 12 volt sockets and a USB. He is also working on the cabinets and we’ll be dry fitting them this weekend, along with wiring the lights in, the bedside lights and some miscellaneous wiring. Last weekend I installed new door speakers and the sound is still something that needs to be worked on. I looked into a swivel for the front passenger seat, the swivel and the new bracket comes to $500, fuck’n nuts. I will be looking for another solution.
I ask myself if I am too old for this, to chase this dream. Maybe I should be saving every penny to retire well, focus on the last 20 years of my life, live for those years. I have finally made some profit this year, the first quarter killed me with all the rain, I actually feel like I can breath again. First quarter profit, $1800. That’s a profit of $425 a month for those that are mathematically challenged, talk about trying to stay afloat.. So yeah, I can breath now and I am booked out for as far as the calendar can see and if no rain comes any time soon I might finish the year with the ability to pay my taxes and save some for retirement. The retirement I might not never make it to. I save for the idea of retirement, I save for my daughter, upon my death she will get all the monies!! It’s hard to look around and see so many people sick and so many dying for a multitude or reasons and not to think that could be me. The Buddhist in me is always looking at death and seeing it as a part of life, just as much as breathing. In order to live we have to die, there is no getting around it and if I am to think it will not come for me till I am old and gray is very egotistical and audacious of me. And if I am to think I am too old to live a dream I might as well die now. What is a life if it is lived out of fear, if it is not loved and cherished and chased after.
Security is a myth brought about by the fear of death. Death of your finances, death of your heart, death of your security. There is nothing safe in this world, nothing that will keep the painful and heart wrenching experiences from happening to you. There is no safety net. I try to embrace this thought, this way of life. I want freedom, freedom of self first and foremost and then we’ll move into freedom of fear, freedom from money, freedom from attachment – attachment to love, money, happiness, health. I can so easily deceive myself into believing there is only one way to live, one way to exist, all promoted by fear and other’s opinions. Their fear pushing their agenda and pigeon holing me into their beliefs.
I had been weak for many years. Lost to my truth. I think of monks and how they can be so happy or so it looks on their faces. All day monking around, eat a little, pray a lot, meditate, debate, monk around some more. How easy it seems, how boring too. So where is the line in between monkhood and civilianism. How do I have that peace and still exist in this crazy world or fast cars and bills, romantic relationships and potato chips, 7am to 3pm and mountain biking and all that makes up daily life. Staying connected spiritually is not easy, it’s like a full time job it seems. Maybe it’s my view that’s a skewed. Maybe I need to work on my perception of all this. I mean I am in touch with death and the reality of my longevity/shortgevity. I know generosity and kindness, compassion and forgiveness. Maybe I am spiritually connected more then I know and maybe when I’m able to go deep into it, it just slowly bulks up that muscle. I don’t know…
None the less the van is coming along and I will continue to stay the course till the path changes and I go ina different direction. We should have much more accomplished come this weekend, putting in the lower cabinets and over head lights, maybe carpet some odd shaped pieces on the walls of the van. Now I am off to meet up with my old sponsor and a friend, eat a salad cuz I’m old and go to a meeting.
Namaste 🙏🏻
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