This is my standard issue, fall crazy fool for someone only too look at myself and question my sanity. I run right through and start to forget all that has ever happened, the choices I made that fizzled out into some sort of insane free-for-all with my heart. At the sharp turns the idea of trust comes up and I think, “I should stop this now cuz she is just going to lie and break me anyways”. Not like I don’t deserve it, at every turn I was the jerk, I was the liar, the thief, at every turn I deserve to lose everything and have the pain paid back 10-fold…
She is beyond measure, the ups and downs of her life, the sad, the good, struggle of a beautiful woman who never wanted to be. I could never come close to matching the other, nor do I care to, I am ok with me and my neurotic ways. I am not cool, I am not tough, I am not seasoned in the manor most of our people are. I am what you find in coffee shops, alone, with pen and paper contemplating the rights and wrongs of our lives. I am the stammering fool trying to edge out words to form a complete sentence and losing myself in it all cause what I try to express from my heart is a convoluted mess and I get no style points for wet-headed idiotizums.
And then I think, why me...
My smile, my good hair, my charming ways? My kindness, my love, the way I’m able to twist her toes. Why me? What have I to offer anyone, let alone someone that could walk into any room, in any city, on any continent and pick and choose from the randoms. Why me. I ask god time and again, why me? And I should never question the all-knowing and seeing and being, I am but a small spec of sand in a scheme so grand my voice could never be heard. And I ask. Why me.
Why me with this crazy heart and broken mind, why me with this lost reality and rabbit holes galore. Why me with this tiny twitch every time I kiss her, this sensation of forever when I look into her eyes. There was no stopping the fall, no bracing for the impact, no way after I got up running wasn’t going to be an option. Why is it me that cannot be held but puts his heart on a platter for all to see. I get so tired of my fears! Yet I run through them, leaping and jumping waving my hand in the air, locked into my desire, my obsession. I collide into her with the force of a thousand men and kissing her is not enough, where holding her is not enough, taking all that she is and shooting it straight into my veins would never be enough.
I see no stability in my future, no common love, no simple life. No silent nights, fast days or moments where she is not on my mind and I am not fighting myself to sit still and be patient. Every fiber in me screams run and I die over it all. The duality of love and loss in me are but thee most painful of experiences I’ve ever felt. Why can’t I be normal and not this maladjusted fool, this whimsical man floating on fairytales and looking at her gooey center to gently lick clean of all the rust and debris...
And then she looks at me and it’s all washed away with the tears of yesterday that need not be recreated today. And then she looks at me and I know why I am lost and she is the light that I never knew. And then she looks at me and I willingly go into the never one last time.
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