It’s Saturday afternoon, I’m on my couch. Tried to listen to a speaker meeting but the speaker didn’t have a message for me, at least not one I was able to hear and just listening doesn’t always work for me. If I’m not present in the moment I’m really just existing in chaos and that chaos is in my head. Today’s chaos, living with mistakes. Having poor choices come back around to deal with me. For every action there is a reaction and we never know what the reaction is going to be. It’s not like bouncing a ball on the concrete, the hard you throw the ball down the higher it goes, sadly life does not subscribe to these physics. We think we know the gravity of a reaction; we hope we know, but we do not. We gage it, we assume we have some insight to the future, we figure scenarios and it turns out exactly opposite of what we hoped for. Or maybe we don’t care, we don’t think about the repercussions of our decisions. Maybe we make our decisions out of truth and honesty and there should be no backlash. Maybe when we are living right there really is no repercussions to our choices.
My intentions were just, true kind intentions, with some backdoor action. Show me anyone that doesn’t have ulterior motives every now and again and you’ll be showing me a saint. We are human and our choices fall into selfishness, it’s just who we are. I try not to be that person, I practice spiritual principles like honesty, compassion and selflessness but I am just like everyone else, I am not perfect. I think it holds a bigger target on my back when I fall short though, people’s expectations of me are quite large or so my ego thinks. Do I sell people on believing in me or is it that people just want someone to trust and believe in and I fit that profile. Either way it normally ends badly when the letdown occurs, when I make a mistake, when I hurt someone. They make an agreement of trust without me cosigning it or maybe I do and I am just looking for a backdoor right now. Maybe that’s how it is for everyone, I don’t know. This is not really a subject that is talked about much, telling people how underhanded we are at times, how selfish and unkind we are. No one wants to talk about that. Most want to be trusted and admired, to have a golden light shining down upon them when the clouds part and they walk into a room. I don’t. I mean I truly don’t. I want to be in the back, unseen. I want to be liked, I want to be forgiven, I want to not cause any pain in any form. These wants, these attachments and desires only cause me pain, they feed my low self-esteem and insecurities. Desire in any form is a road to suffering.
I mean when you really think about it I’m not a good person. I’m subpar. I’m 70%. I’m almost a good friend. At times I am everything I never wanted to be and I rake myself over the coals with it. I am by far my worst enemy and greatest critic, if I was my only friend I would not have a friend. I mean I wouldn’t let anyone give me the feelings I give myself. The standard I hold myself to is insane, but shouldn’t it be? Shouldn’t my standard of self be held so high that I should have to strive for it every day, shouldn’t my striving be arduous. I rest easy on the good I have done and it almost gives me permission to act in selfishness. And you would think that after 19 years of being clean, 11 straight years of therapy, countless fuck ups and shitty returns from them that I would never make mistakes, that I would never lie, cheat or steal. You would think I learned my lesson by now.
And are you not dying to know what I am talking about. If you are let it go. I’m talking about everything, every misstep, every selfish choice, every time you did something hoping for an illicit return. It could be stealing a candy bar to coveting thy neighbor’s partner. The action is not the issue, the drugs I used were not the problem – it’s who you are and why you do the things you do. The root cause of the defect, self.
Maybe the ones that work the hardest towards god are the ones that are the sickest, cuz we need the most help and forgiveness. Maybe that’s generalizing. Maybe we the sick and tired deserve no quarter when we should know better. Maybe god really isn’t there for forgiveness and he pulls the strings of repercussion. I do not like myself at times, I cut myself up into tiny pieces and feed me to hellish creatures that live in my head. And as much as I try to be right and do right, I want to be wrong. I want to give in, give up. I want to use drugs, steal cars, sleep around and carry a gun. Rob banks, start fights and just not give a fuck. I want to live everything I fear. I want to live everything I fear. Become all that kept me up at night so many years ago. Go back to my old life, be heartless, be ugly and not care.
In times of weakness this is where I end up. In times of self-doubt, in times of regret, in times of low self-esteem. In times of loneliness, craving, anger, resentment… in times of fear. After all these years I still want to run. But I do not. I stand my ground against my self, the one that is always trying to kill me in some manner and I stand there. Hands by my side, reflecting and working on forgiveness of self and moving on. I work on accepting my choices, paying the consequences and moving on. I work on heading towards a higher power that is kind and compassionate and try to live in that light. I work at being an instrument of god. I work at being kind to my self, I work at surrender, acceptance. I work at these things for me and I work at them for you.
You know I just want to feel good all the time, somewhere in the back of my mind I have that craving, that drive to change the way I feel. I get that momentary bliss, that instant gratification by lying, cheating and stealing, by manipulating and using people. Then I get to feel bad about it and beat myself up for it, it’s an emotional rollercoaster that I ride on and I'm in the front car catching bugs in my teeth. It’s that control I crave, that power to change and create and dissolve all at the same time. It’s the obsession of self. And there is no quick fix, there is no instant cure, there is only a daily practice to try and lessen the blow, to arrest the disease within me. I will correct my course and over the next few days, these thoughts and feelings will pass. It will be as if I never felt the anguish or pain of these thoughts, these actions. I will move on and self will do all it can to forget, remember I want to feel good all the time. Eventually a scenario will come up, an opportunity to live in selfishness and if I’m present in the moment and spiritually centered, I might choose to be selfless. I am grateful that life is a series of moments and not one long experience.
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