I picked it up and I put it down, I did this regularly for the first month. I picked it up and I put it down, I did this periodically for the second month. It seems now I go to pick it up and the thought arises, ‘why are you picking it up’? I’ve no answer for myself, at least no clear definitive answer that makes sense. In the beginning it was understandable, the need of processing, but now it has become habit or routine to pick it up. My mind gets bored and looks for something to cling to, to keep it entertained. It grabs the thing closest to it, what was last obsessed on. It picks it up, fumbles it around and waits to see what reaction I will have. If the reaction isn’t what my neurosis is looking for, it sets it down and picks up another thought or obsession. This is how my mind works, I know this cuz I know equanimity. If it’s sounding like there are 2 of me, it’s because there are and there’ll be more about that later.
Had I never known the calming presence of equanimity, I would of never known I was crazy all those years. I cannot know one without the other, they coincide. You cannot say chocolate is your favorite flavor of ice cream if you’ve never eaten any other flavor. You cannot say you know love if you’ve only ever loved one person. You might think you know, but without exploration we are narrow minded. All feelings we feel and experiences we have are multidimensional. If we really wanted to pick this apart, we can look at the circumstances prior to the feeling or event and we can see how that dictates our reaction to the present circumstance, if we are not present in the moment. We can get very heady with this dissecting. But for now, let’s keep it really simple. If I only knew insanity, I would never know there was another way to live. I would of never known how beautiful a calm mind can be.
See, I picked up my computer and my mind tried to pick up this in particular thought, even though there is nothing more to think about it. My neurosis seems to crave any feeling that is heightened, any experience that gives it power to create turmoil in my life. It wants to grasp and cling and control my every move. It tries to convince me that I need to think about this thing. I know this, I know this cause I watch myself and question why I do what I do.
You cannot start to figure out the way your mind works without being the watcher of your own life. We think there is a direct string that goes from our hearts to our heads and that is why we do what we do, but this is not true. If we purely lived from our hearts, there would be no pains given and no harms done to self. I believe evil does not exist in one’s heart, there is no room for it. But we do not always live from our hearts, we mostly live from our heads.
When my heart is not connected to my mind and I am spiritually centered, I do not think to pick up anything that could cause me suffering. When I am fully connected to this there is nothing to pick up because nothing of harm exists with this view. All my experiences become lessons, as painful as they may have been in the moment (and that moment not being now) if in acceptance and grounded they cannot cause me harm – they were all past experiences. My gratitude for these moments of clarity and compassion are overwhelming, they give off such a kind soft feeling that I want to cling to it and never let it go. And that is when my neurosis wakes up, my insanity kicks and starts my mind wandering. ‘Let’s hang on to this good feeling and when the moment of it passes, lets obsess on what we had and miss it and desire it and then we can start in on all the things we miss and desire’.
Why does the mind work this way, it’s obvious I do not care for it, for if I did I would not be here right now. I know what’s right and what’s wrong in me, I’m emotionally intelligent and have average wisdom, why does the mind go here? And then I think, for how many years did I give in to my mind and its insanity. For how many days and nights did I live in desire and regret and clinging to what was? Truth is probably so many I couldn’t even count that high. I have been trained by my mind to think and act and do a certain way, the way my neurosis wants me to. Again, speaking as if I am two people and that is because I am.
The two people in me live in separate places, one in head and one in my heart. I personally have found it difficult to live in both at the same time. Now understand, I am strictly speaking on the ethereal here, joy and pain, happiness and sorrow – the internals. I am speaking of the things I create in myself that shape the way I see and interact with the world, the way I deal in everyday life emotionally.
There is a fear to strictly live from my heart, a vulnerability that seems too high a price pay for the possible consequences. And see there it is there; my neurosis moves in and takes control. Possible consequences. There is no such thing as a consequence when living from my heart, when living in acceptance, forgiveness and compassion. This is where the battle begins, the self, my ego, my neurosis. That part of me lives in fear and regret, guilt and shame, pain and loneliness, that part of my that clings and desires. It replays all the shitty experiences and harbors ill will towards most. You saw in the first sentence of this paragraph how it slid in so smoothly, this part of me is tricky and very resilient.
So how, how do I live from my heart when out in the world and everything is moving a hundred miles a minute and I’m scattered. Life is so fast for us, there are so many devices to tend to, people to interact with, things to do. I mean look at all the cars on the road, we are inundated with movement. The speed and velocity of the world is incomprehensible when seen through our hearts, there is no slowing down out there. Even in our homes. If we do not create a quiet place in our homes how do we create a quiet place in ourselves. How do we operate from our hearts when we are constantly living from our heads?
I just gave myself anxiety…
I have to remind myself that I am standing where I am standing. Remind myself to breath the air I am breathing. To come back to center, back to now. I want to live from my heart, I want to be fearless and free of self. I want to be kind and forgiving and compassionate, even to those who have harmed me. I know where my happiness lives, it’s in the vast empty space of my heart. The more I let go of what’s around me, the more room I make in my heart for forgiveness and compassion.
This whole time I have not thought of self, I have thought of what I want or need. The thoughts have been about what I can do for others, of how I can be more at peace, have more compassion. Shifting from my head to my heart is easy in the moment if I slow down enough to be here. My practice of meditation has helps me be here, it trains me to be slower for a deeper connection to the moment. My practice of living through spiritual principles helps me stay in compassion and forgiveness.
I know once I close this laptop and start getting ready for work, I will not be thinking about how I am putting on my socks, how I am brushing my teeth or making my lunch. I will already be out the door, working on a job, meeting with a client, manipulating my schedule to get all the jobs done on time. I will be worrying about losing my employee, wondering if this person cares or if that person forgives me, questioning why I am picking this or that up. I will be clinging to a past event or thinking of future ones, answering my phone, replying to texts, and checking all the notifications that beep and buzz.
I just gave myself anxiety again…
It’s a practice and I will keep practicing. Its learning to live for my heart on a moment by moment basis while letting go of everything that is now.
Namaste
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