i have two tails

It’s 6am on a Tuesday and I don’t leave for work for another hour and a half. I don’t want to read, I’m not sure why, so I pick up the computer. I look at the website for this blog, read the ‘about me’ part. I think, I like how that’s worded and after finishing it I’m reminded of so much. There is so much truth in that last paragraph, in the last 2. It’s only 4 paragraphs long with the first 2 being a history lesson. I’m reminded of why I am doing this. Why I am attempting to leave and travel, why I am extruding all this gibberish from me and onto this screen. As redundant as it all is in my head, I hope it is not when it’s read. The circles I spin, the obsession that comes along with it. I wonder if people have lots of close friends or lovers or interactions of any sort or if they chase their tail as I do, are as self obsessed as I am. Not saying I have no friends, but most of my time is spent alone unless at work. I don’t go places with people, I think this is normal at this age in life or that how I rationalize it. I am no longer 20something and spending my days and nights going no where, grown up life is happening around me and I’ve no choice but to be involved in it.

I think if you read my writings slow enough you would see the reoccurring theme, I do. I don’t know if it’s fair of me to process all this out in the open either, maybe it is and all this really does it matter. Yet does anything matter as much as my ego says it does?

The van build has been slow, slower than I suspected it would be but that’s ok, I’ve not much else to do. I have purchased all the parts for the water system except for the hose fittings. I have a 23 gallon water tank from Plastic-Mart, a Whaler foot pump for the sink and a Camplux tankless water heater for showers. That didn’t sound very exciting did it, maybe had I used an explanation point. Anyways, once I pick up the fittings for the hose’s we can start the install. A hot shower after mountain biking while I camp on the North Rim of the Grand Canyon sounds amazing. Last time I was there I had one of those shower bags you hang in a tree and it really didn’t get hot enough and was stupid to operate. I loved that camping spot though, like it was one of my favorite stops on that trip.

The drive to the north rim takes you through these pastures out of a movie, like something from The Sound of Music or if the TV show Ponderosa if it was in color. Green lush grasses in these little valleys, the 2 lane road ran along the left side of all of them it seemed, as pine trees lined the edges of these fields of green. They were vast, I mean football fields paled in comparison to them. Through some trees and out into another pasture. I imagined what it would be like to drive this road in the winter, snow resting on the trees and blanketing the ground. I stopped at the north rim but didn’t not go to the scenic outlook, I went into the visitor station and got a map to take me out on the fire roads to the Rainbow Rim trail. From the station to the rim was an hour and a half of fire roads, some rutted out, some dusted with gravel. The aspen trees were starting to change, their golden leaves fluttering in the breeze. Fall is a beautiful time of the year to travel, the colors are gorgeous.

I ended up pulling off the road at some random spot to camp. Parked the truck, raised the roof on the camper, hung up my shower and clothesline, pulled out my chair. There was no one around, not a soul in sight. It was so quiet, all that could be heard was the faint sound of the wind whipping through the canyon, it had a whisper/whine to it. I mean I was camping in the middle of the forest, trees dotted around me, crunchy leaves and pine needles beneath my feet, the sun setting. It was an ‘in love’ moment, like that moment you met your wife or had your fist kiss or saw your daughters smile. I don’t think I rode that day, I’m pretty sure I sat in my chair under the sparse canopy, read my book and made dinner. I was experiencing a peace my soul had craved ever since I could remember. I was free of the world and everything that numbed me to my truth. As much as I belong at home, I just as much belong out there in the empty, the tail of two people within me.

The next morning I woke, made some breakfast and went for a ride. I was a quarter mile from the edge of the Grand Canyon and the trail ran right behind my campsite. At 5000 feet the air was thin for me, I hadn’t been riding much at altitude, so I had no lungs. I road along the trail, it was more of a cross-country style and I was more interested in downhill havoc. I rode it none the less, it was cool, whatever. I wanted to get back to my camp, to my book, to my pen and paper, to that luke-warm shower that awaited me. Transitioning to showering only 3 times a week isn’t easy, you always feel sticky. Granted when I was loaded I didn’t shower every day, but the drugs made being sticky ok and if you never stop sweating you don’t get sticky.

I stayed another night at that campsite and the next morning I left, slowly driving out the fire roads, past the restaurant/gas station/visitor center and by the pastures. On the drive out I continued the dreaming, this time having a cabin in one of those pastures. I would be chopping wood for the coming winter, hiking through the trees, making my way to the lake to catch dinner. Loneliness didn’t touch me on that part of the trip, I was able to be in the moment, I was able to be there and not thinking of my self, it was an incredibly freeing time. All I wanted was to be lost there and to show everyone I know how beautiful the North Rim of the Grand Canyon is. You know all the stops on my way to my sisters in Texas held the same satisfaction, all the Southwest states. West Texas was a bit of a bore but that aside, all those campsites were alive in me. Leaving my sister’s I had no idea where to go, in fear of time and the coming cold I took the long way home. Those spots were just as resonating I would guess, but I was heading north and the season was quickly changing. I remember the drive from Portland down to San Luis Obispo was a sad drive but we’ll leave the sadness for another day. Today we will latch onto the memories of gold and pink sunsets, egg’s for breakfast every morning, cold showers and amazing trails to ride.

I was so blessed to be able to walk through the fear of shutting down my business and going. If it wasn’t for insurmountable anxiety and a broken heart I don’t know if I would have left, the fear was so great. I was literally dying and had to leave, I couldn’t do that life any longer, I could no longer be that person. This time the anxiety is minimal but here, it seems to always be near and the broken heart, well I think I was born with one. Whether I’m happy or sad, the little boy in me is always gluing and taping up some new crack.

There has to be a place in this world for me, one that fits. Everything is always changing and instead of changing with it at times, most times I contort myself into staying. Remake my identity, my acceptance. I could be free with it, but I am not, I suffer it. It’s like I keep getting boxed into life and the box keeps getting smaller. My perception is that my routine, my daily grind is what kills me and pushes me to change. My sitting still through all this. I watch people fall in love, raise kids, grow businesses, take vacations and I sit and watch. I’ve done all that and for some reason it has not come back around again, it tries my patients. I blame my surroundings, my lack of desire for anything tangible. What is money, prestige, a home, a shiny car but things and objects that bring momentary please and happiness. I mean there has to be more, right? Some think its god, that communion with a higher power that will give way to more, to ever lasting love and happiness. That has not been my total experience. I think everyone else has it figured out but me, there’s a learning disability that keeps me here, a short circuit in my wiring.

And there you have it, more ramblings of a crazy fool trying to be ok in each moment as it passes. Attempting to make plans to alter his course, to walk through fear, to surrender all that is familiar, safe and comfortable. After my last post I felt very raw and crazy, some things we don’t want to share, I don’t like sharing the volatility of my mental stability or lack thereof, I mean you can see it in this post yeah? But this is my reality and it’s the process I go through to get to where I need to be. I stay the course, keep pretending I know exactly what I’m doing and leave the results up to god.