For whatever reason I would like it to be fall. Maybe it’s been the heatwave we’ve been experiencing or maybe I am just longing for the sun to set in that particular way that casts that unmistakable autumn hew in the sky. I then wonder why would I want fall to arrive early? I crave summer 7 months out of the year or so it seems. When fall arrives the holiday season is right on its heals, the most lonesome season of all.
I am alone most every holiday season; the cosmos has an uncanny way of dong this. No one to pick pumpkins with, no one to bring to take to my sisters for Thanksgiving, no one to spoil at Christmas. I say this not out of self-pity, although as I write this that’s exactly how it sounds. I say this out of the basic truth that it is, and I’ve reconciled with this many years ago.
So why would I want fall to come early this year? Is it so I can start my ritual of cold month’s hibernation? Is it that if it were darker earlier, I would have a plausible but untrue reason not go to a meeting? Is it so I could sink into the depression that shows up just before all the holiday festivities? I don’t know what it is, and really I don’t even know how I will fair come this fall. I am in a different spot in life now. I do have a new house; I could do all the decorating I love to do. I could go out and buy new Christmas decorations, replacing the ones I gave away and threw out 5 years back. I had 3 huge tubs of decorations, lights, garland, ornaments, a little Santa’s village, the kind where the houses and shops have those little lights in them. Every year Delaiah and I would buy a new piece for the village, I so wanted her to have the best Christmas’ ever, the ones that get etched in your heart for eternity.
I’m sitting here, reminiscing about Christmas, desiring fall and it’s 70 out at 6 o’clock in the evening. The sun isn’t going to set till damn near 8. Ya’ know I think maybe it’s that I am tired, and I need a rest. Life slows down in the fall and I need life to move slower right now. I need a break; I need some relief. I feel like I’ve been going nonstop for months now, and ya know what, I have been. Last weekend I went camping with some friends, the last time I had gone camping was exactly one year prior to that. This whole past year, July to July has been about grinding, no rest, no vacations, no enjoying the fruits of my labors.
I long to ride my bike for limitless miles, not just up the mountain, down the mountain, although throwing some of that in there would be appreciated. But I’m talking about long endless miles, tooling down the 2 lane roads that could calm my heart. Days on double track dirt roads that crisscross the desert or through the sierras. To ride the 40 or 50 miles a day, find a small out of the way spot to make camp, cook my dinner in my titanium cup on my little MSR pocket rocket stove, crawl inside my tent and read till I fall asleep. How dreamy that would be. Just me alone, dealing with all my demons and finding the beauty in the struggle, the forever in the moment. Maybe one day I will be so fortunate to do so, like as I was when I was able to take that trip around the country in my van 3 years back.
I think that is why I am craving fall, because I am tired, and I need a break. We never know how tired someone is, how much life has them on the ropes. We never know if someone is struggling or dying inside. We pass by people all day long, never knowing their truth. Either they don’t say it, or we don’t ask and sometimes when we do ask, we don’t really care anyways. We are too busy making grocery lists in our heads or thinking of what we are going to watch on the tv when we get home. And as it is, most times we don’t tell our truth when asked if we want to. We cover it up with pleasantries and jokes, sweeping our hearts and souls, and the weight our minds carry under the rug. We fear honesty and vulnerability, we fear being transparent because at one time when we were we were shut down or made fun of. We were chastised and degraded for being so weak and needy. Sometimes life can be so huge and the people in it selfish and cruel.
So, where is the fix, what needs to be changed to feel less quartered and drawn. Pull back on such a tight work schedule? Make it a point to leave town more often and use that van for what it was built for? Build that bike I’ve been pining over and start riding those roads I dream about? All of the above? Make simple small changes often so they stack up to become big changes? Recharge my heart and soul with prayer and meditation? Surrender more often to the unmanageable ie; my neurosis and the way life sometimes straddles my soul?
I sit here, craving something to change the way I feel. A movement of someone else’s doing, this time its mother nature being the one. Next time maybe it will be father time, as I think about what something was like and wishing for it to be that way again. It will definitely turn to sex at some point, that will make it all better. Or that Apple watch I’ve been looking at for months now, it’s only $800 and I will totally enjoy it for like a week or two. It's funny how we end up here, how I end up here.
I know the cure to this dilemma; I’ve read all about it so many times over. I’ve walked its path for decades, I’ve emersed myself in it to the point of pure bliss. But yet I sit here on the couch, watching the tv, death scrolling videos, filling virtual shopping carts only to empty them when I see the grand total. I sit here, desiring fall to come early so I can avoid what is now.
I feel as if I’ve written this all before, countless click clacks of the same words pouring out of my mind. You’ve read this from me before, more than once I am sure. Why is it that I need this reminding so often, where is it that I get stuck? The self-obsession? The instant gratification? The fear? The loneliness? And really does the why matter or is all that matters is the fix to it?
Either way, this morning, I will do something to grow beyond the desire to avoid. I will put forth action to overcome the self-obsession. It will not consist of buying anything or using someone. I will let go of what was and have no fear of what might be. I will be here now and contend with the moment. And when I’m in this frame of mind, when the haze dissipates and I can see clearly, all is well, and gratitude and joy surround my heart. I am reminded that I am not powerless to life, I can create change. I am not a victim to my disease; I am a volunteer. I am reminded that I get the privilege to live today, that not everyone is as fortunate as I am to live this long.
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