2023 is coming to an end, presently there are 2 days and 3 nights left. I wonder, is there a point to looking back at a year and evaluating it? Is there a point to try and determine if it was a good or bad year? Is there such thing as a good or bad year? Or were there just moments in a year that cut you or filled you? Is it fair to encompass an entire year into one judgement?
Maybe you look at it financially, maybe you look at the people you lost or the friends you made. Maybe you look at what you acquired or what you let go of. No matter how you look at it, is it fair to judge the entire year on the biggest emotional, mental, or physical things that transpired?
I think back to something my mother told me many years ago. I couldn’t tell you what year it was, I think maybe I was in my late teens? I remember her saying, “this is going to be your year” like that previous year wasn’t mine.
I knew when she said it that it wasn’t going to be my year, I didn’t see myself claiming the coming year as mine. Some might say that’s self-fulfilling prophecy, that if you claim a stellar year, you will have a stellar year. Maybe that is true, there is something to be said for positive thought bringing about a positive life. I’m presently indifferent to that theory though. Not like I wish for unpleasantries, nor do I wish for positivity’s, I just have not really focused on putting direct effort into self-fulfilling prophecies as of late.
I used to categorize 2012 as a bad year. I quit smoking, put my dog down, split up with my wife, lost some of my closest friends, left an MC – I saw it as a shitty year. Viewing it like that blacked out anything good that happened that year. Like that fact that I started mountain biking, a sport that has done more for me than I could ever explain. I stayed clean that year, through all the shit I went through, I stayed clean. I bought a brand-new Harley that year, it was like riding a Cadillac.
Looking back to encompass a year as good or bad does a disservice to all someone has gone through. In 2012, the emotionally painful was more intense than the mentally and physically gratifying. Either way it was a year experienced, but now when I do speak about it, I say it as a “tough year.” My view of it today is much wider and judgmental, I’m actually grateful for it, all I went through changed me for the better.
So now looking back at this year, it was neither good nor bad. I had some dreams change, an ending to a relationship, traveled some in the van, made some money, had some serious expenses arise, some physical ailments, stayed clean, rode many trails, had some amazing times, had some seriously sad times, got to spend time with my daughter, friends and family.
Rereading that paragraph, I want to say 2023 was a good year, and honestly it feels that way. But still, that takes me back to categorizing something as positive or negative and is that really what I want to do? I care not to have “bad” times in my life, no one wants that. But it’s almost impossible not to have bad times if you see yourself having good times. Or is that you should be indifferent to good and bad times, so even when putting them in those categories, you don’t cling to them and desire more or less of them. Or maybe if you see all times as good times, spinning all the normally bad ones into good ones, then you could call any year a good year.
And why do I think so much on this, it’s like I’m addicted to philosophizing deep thoughts and spiritual outlooks. I think I’ll forever have this battle within, the part of me that strives for equanimity and the other part that just wants to live in emotional extremes. Training your mind to be free of the insanity one has grown to create through teachings and a self-centered lifestyle is a fulltime job. I wish at times I was the simple one, the one that lives in each moment with the joy of a child’s fascination. Like the pure joy I feel when I see my daughter or when I eat pancakes. In those moments nothing else exists, I am 100% focused on those times alone. It is so simple and freeing to live like that.
I don’t make New Year resolutions, for no other reason than I don’t. But maybe I should make one, maybe it should be living more presently. Maybe I should devote conscious effort in living freely in whatever is happening when it happens. I try and do that now, but I hear a song, or catch a scent, see an object, hear a voice, get a glimpse of the lotto jackpot numbers – so much of the smallest things brings up memories of the past or desires of the future. Maybe this is just human nature and as fast as I pick up a thought, I should let it go and come back to center.
That seems much simpler than focusing on being focused. Too much focus and you miss so much. This strikes me as one who is calm inside, one who has tamed their mind, and is able to let things come and go. This has me thinking back to all the smiles I have felt this year and all the tears I’ve related to. It has little to do with a calm mind but has everything to do with being present to feel an emotion. We are a lucky bunch, those of us who wake each morning and face life with no escaping, shielding, or diverting of it.
At one time in life all I did was run, run from everything I saw, felt, and experienced. And today, today all I do is work at being as present as possible for whatever happens. I live a blessed life with many amazing moments, and I am grateful for all of them.
Happy New Year 🙏🏻
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