Fear Kills Me and Shame Controls My Next Move

On any given day I’ve no idea what direction I am going to go in. It’s a complete roll of the dice when I’m not spiritually centered. A bad night’s sleep, me disagreeing with my daughter or ex-wife, me feeling like I’m not getting my due in some area, something stupid happening with my business. Any of these things and more can set me in directions I would of never chose to go in had I been connected to something more than self-obsession and ego…

I was looking at the map hanging above a fairly empty bookshelf in my apartment, a black Sharpie line jaggedly loops the western half of the United States. It’s from a rout I took on a trip I took 5 years back. I started following the line in California and took it all the way to Austin, Tx. to where my sister lives. Thinking back to most the stops, the sights seen, the time spent alone in the middle of nowhere. I traced the line up to Amarillo where I stopped to see the Cadillac Ranch, there’s about 10 or so 1957 Cadillacs buried in the dirt, ass ends sticking straight up into the sky. This place was on my lifetime list of things to see. I got there in the early morning, having stayed down the road a spell at Palo Duro State Park. I saw the Cadillac’s, pretty cool sight, spray painted on a few of them then got in my truck and had no idea where I was going to head next.

It was around the time the Native Americans were fighting against big oil up in North Dakota over running that pipeline through their river. I remember sitting in the truck thinking I could head up there and see what was going on, instead I chose to head Northwest towards Oregon to see one of my oldest and closest friends. It was starting to get cold being late September and the camper I had on the back of my truck had no insulation, like none. I sat there on the side of the highway thinking if I head towards Scott’s my trip was pretty much over, I would be heading Westish and that was towards home. None the less I decided to go see Scott and that was the beginning of the end of the trip. 10 days later I was back in SLO and back to work a week after that.

As I sit here looking at the map, pausing on Amarillo (as I did when I was in Amarillo on the side of that highway) I started drawing an imaginary line East, then it went North and East again and South. That line started sprawling out like a root from a tree, one long root from one tiny tree, one small choice that could have been made differently. On any given day I’ve no idea the direction I’m going to go in. That choice to head too Oregon was out of fear and loneliness. I could of bought more blankets for North Dakota, stayed south through the cold months. That one turn could of changed my entire life, it also could of got me some frostbite. Either way I let everything but my spiritual consciousness make that choice.

I always end up in shame when I do that, fear the outcome if it’s not manipulated by me, all the while forgetting that I am not in charge and if I let god or the universe or whatever controls my fate, if I just let it do it’s bidding with me, my life might be much sweeter. Fear kills me and shame controls my next move. There is no winning when I am in control. After a long talk with my ex-wife today I was brought back around to center, I was reminded I’m not in control and I need to follow the instinct within me and be honest with myself. Not to live in fear but in faith, it’s not always about me and what people do, say or think is none of my business.

Truth is I am unhappy at work, each day is like a slow death, the attitudes I have to deal with from people I pay to be there is insane. You would think that since I own the business it wouldn’t be this way, but I am at the mercy of responsibility and a lack of painters in the community. I haven’t prayed/meditated in what seems like forever, I feel as if I have almost turned my back on god and started living my life as I see fit. I think that is the most painful experience I have had so far over my life, straying from my higher power. I was never meant to be so far from something so loving and compassionate.

I get so consumed in what feels good to me or what I fear and the more I head towards that, the more I stray from god. I get so lost in thinking I know what to do in all situations that the more I answer the questions I ask, the further I am from god. I never knew this type of spiritual existence was how I was supposed to live my life. I knew causing harm and holding resentments never felt right to me, I knew anger and aggression only blackened my soul. I just never knew god like I’ve known it for the last 8 years. I had shots of it here and there, the times I was spiritually centered, the times I surrendered and trusted the process. But it was 8 years back when I learned my higher power on a different level, when freedom of self through spiritual principles and devotion to the path gave me the greatest happiness ever known to me. I had no idea through all the bad I was doing I was simply just trying to get to god.

It’s like I have no idea that I am living in fear till it’s too late and the choices I make in this state of mind start to destroy my happiness. I hang on to what was, digging in my nails and strangling the future to death. Change is so subtle at times but so hard to handle when I am disconnected, it’s no wonder it creates such a fear in me. I seem to either run from it by manipulating it or run through it and destroy what could be, all the while I should be still and calm, I should be focused on what is in front of me the very moment I open my eyes. I should be patient and kind with myself, vulnerable and god centered. And it’s like I can do this, right here, right now, I got this. Then I’ll close the computer, drift away from this train of thought and be right back in it. It’s like there is a constant correction that needs to be made, my spirit so far out of alignment.

So I go to meditating. I light the candles for those in sorrow and pain, I light the incense to keep me present with its aroma and to remind myself everything eventually turns to ash. I watch each step I take, watch as each foot falls in its place and how the other foot lifts after the first is planted on the floor. I watch my breath as I walk across the room, I watch my hand reach for the handle to the fridge. Meditation is being in the moment, being with my breath and letting go of all thoughts. I can do this sitting still and I can do this while walking or riding my bike, doing dishes or painting a house. It gets me back to now and letting go of everything and everyone else in this world, even myself. I mean this did all start with self-obsession and ego, I should be the first to go and once I'm out of the way the possibilities are limitless.