Even the neurotic ones..

Why is there so much fear surrounding me being me? How am I still that teenage kid that isn’t sure if it’s ok to just be what I like, whether its appropriate or not. The thoughts I have, the clothes I wear, who I want to be, how I want to feel? I was replying to a comment on here and this thought arose, why am I so afraid to be, me. To be. Let’s start there, afraid to be. Me doesn’t really need to be in the equation. “I” is nothing more than ego, nothing more then separation from me and the world around me. Saying I’m different, I’m special in some sense and I’m not, I’m nothing more than another person on this earth, breathing the same air, experiencing the same weather, my minutes of existence are the same as yours. So the me needs to be removed.

Why am I afraid to be? Be me? Does that question really need that definition? Maybe that definition is what makes it awkward for me. Maybe when I look at me separately from you I become more then what I am. Even if it’s not gratifying ego, even if its negative ego – its still separation. No matter what it makes me special and I’m not and I am so ok with that. It’s like my whole life I was told I was something special, that I needed to be special, that the special people get things, get friends and jobs and sore to height’s that the non-special don’t. Was I told all this to build my self-esteem? To help me feel worthy? Maybe I should have been told it’s ok not to be special, not have my self-esteem pushed into that corner of constantly trying to measure up, to be more then average. Cause average people don’t excel like special people and we all need to excel, to be, to stake the claim of our existence.

Maybe that’s why I’m afraid to be, maybe that’s what keeps me in the confines of my apartment, of my closet, of my job, of my tiny little life – cause I was never told its ok not to be special. What if I was told ‘you will actually find so much more peace in your life if you grounded yourself with the wisdom of just being.’ Wisdom of just being. That shits deep. How many people just be, just exist in each moment and try not to be bigger, try not to stand out, try not to think of themselves as more than their simple selves. I just want to be and be ok with just being. I want to wear dumb clothes, use weird words, not build my business, not try and sell my soul for this trip, not be ina relationship cause that’s what people do. I want a simple existence. I mean I’m pretty good at it, at living this way but there’s times where I royally suck at it. I get insecure and self-obsessed and I wonder, what if I was raised with the idea of just being is ok.

I think every time I was told by my mother or a teacher or a girlfriend when they said that I was something special, that I wasn’t like most other people in certain areas of my life it made me self-conscious. I never wanted to stand out, I admired those who did, looked at them with envy actually – but I never wanted to feel special, I wanted no limelight. Maybe my ego wanted it, my insecure self wanted it, but my true nature did not. The more I was told that I was special the more thought I needed to hide or level up to meet what they saw. But spiritually I never felt this, I had the wisdom of just being was a beautiful existence, but I didn’t trust it cause they all said it was wrong.

I know what some of you are thinking. “I didn’t have enough people in my life telling me I was special, I never had enough of that love, that attention.” I get that, there are those who had the opposite of me, but we are one in the same. You weren’t told you were special and those around you treated you as such and it lowered your self-esteem, it gave you the complex that you were less than, that you would never amount to anything. So maybe where I withdrew from attention you sought it out, either way we both got screwed up from it. Screwed up is screwed up, spilt milk is spilt milk, doesn’t matter how these things happened, the end result is the same. It’s like the person in your life that held one hand up with stop and the other hand had a finger motioning you towards them. I never knew what was ok, what was good and bad and acceptable, I was told many different things and it totally fucked me up cuz inside I knew differently. Cuz where my spiritual center sits there were different writings, different feelings. Everything was backwards from the time I was able to think freely, nothing seemed to ever make sense.

I’m 44 now, super close to 45 and feeling like a kid. It’s completely bonkers the way I still have the same thoughts and feelings I did in my 20’s, I’m still learning the same lessons I lived 20, 30 years prior. I feel alone when I think about this, like everyone else is so well put together and I’m the only one ½ through my life (if I get to live really long) that is still like, ‘Man, I just want to be’. And the crazy about it, this is all in my head. No one really cares that much to concern themselves with my choices, but my ego says I’m something special.

This all stems from a reply to an earlier post, the post about my clothes. Last night I was dressing for a dinner date with someone and I tried on the same 4 outfits for like 30 minutes, all I really wanted to do was just let it all go and be. Don’t look at my clothes, don’t look at my skin, my car, my friends, the trips I’ve taken, the dreams I never accomplished. I just want to be. Be alone, with my god, with beautiful people, with my happiness, with whatever is happening right now and not caring about anything else. I want to lean into my loneliness and be one with it. I want to wear Vans and Levis to formal occasions. I want to be free from the thought of you and what you think of me. I want the emptiness to subside. I want the crazy to increase. I want to be everything you think I shouldn’t be because I know it’s who I’m meant to be…

And I am, I am trying to be everything I was meant to be. On the daily, actually in most moments on a good day. I don’t cave to the social norm, I stay true to myself and honest with you 90% of the time, I try to breath every breath in kindness and selflessness, I walk through fear. There are some days when I look at owning a business and think, ‘I can’t own a business, I can’t paint that house, I’ve no idea what I’m doing’ – I have been painting since I was 22 and been in business for 15 years. I owe all this insanity? Doubt? Questioning? I owe it all to a lapse in my spiritual practice, to a disconnect to god (whoever that is). And truth is it’s just a moment, these feelings just grains of sand on a beach. The moment arises, I experience it, it end’s and I move on to the next. Not attaching myself to what was, not desiring what could be and accepting life as it comes, accepting the feelings as they are. It’s moments like this, right now, when I’m spiritually centered that I relish in, that help me be venerable, that help me find gratitude for all my experiences, even the neurotic ones.