Why do we crave what is bad for us? We know it’s no good, we know it will only bring on pain and suffering, why do we still want it? I’m envious of the people that are able to turn away from that which hurts them, the will power, the drive to move beyond such things. I wonder, when they do turn away from it, I wonder if they have dealt with it, came to terms with it. It took me years to come to terms with the fact that I cannot use any mind-altering, mood changing substances. For the first 3 years I perpetually relapsed, not willing to walk away from that which caused suffering in my life. Then upon finally surrendering to the fact that I cannot use anything, I still mourned the loss of drugs and alcohol. I took to substituting other things to numb the pain of the loss from what harmed me, but yet held me.
I feel I was born of this, this lacking in self-soothing, the ability to be ok with letting go of the things that I thought gave me life, gave me the means to be happy. All my childhood I needed to be held and cared for, saved from the anger and violent behavior I grew up with. I was soft, I was a mama’s boy. I feared aggression and anger – I was not of this in my former life. I feel as if I was much softer, much closer to God, hence the reason of needing to be cared for, I was not ready for such an existence of wrath.
These two are so intertwined, the disfunction of not letting go of what harms me and the need to be cared for. I like to say I have found both of those in God (living by spiritual means and principals being my definition of God) the ability to let go and be cared for. I like to think that all is well and constant in this way of life. But life doesn’t always happen the same way, the days do not always go according to plan. We phase in and out of connecting and disconnecting, minute by minute.
My resentments harm me, but yet I carry them. If I was truly living in the faith I’ve got in God, I would let go of these resentments. If I truly wanted to be happy, I would forgive those that I think wronged me, offended me. But no, I would rather stew ina pot of my own shit and churn aggression and hate into my life. My anger is safe, my resentments keep me from actually facing what I feel so I never have to be sad or vulnerable. I think that by staying separated from God and life around me, I will not suffer any more harm. I mean you can’t really say you are connected to God if you have aggression in your heart, can you? That’s like saying I have unconditional love for everyone except for Jimmy, fuck Jimmy. I think unconditional love is like staying clean, either you are clean or not, either you have unconditional love, or you don’t.
Strict parameters, I know. But coloring inside the lines on this level is mandatory. When I start to pick and choose where I will live in Gods will, with whom I will forgive and love and who I wont, I start to separate myself from that which cares for me. I often think, “if I only trusted all the outcomes and surrendered to them all”. Can you imagine how simple and light my life would be? The level of happiness that would be achieved just by doing as spiritual principals guide me.
But yet, here I am, hanging on to what harms me, not always thinking I know best as to what I need and don’t need, but letting that disfunction in me crave and control the amount of happiness I will have in my life. How miserable of a life to lead. Who would sign up for this? Who would actually, consciously make these choices? Only those disconnected and living in fear would do so. Yet still, how to let go? How to walk away from that which harms me?
It's not like I’m constantly grasping at these things throughout the day and night, they are things I pick up and set down every so often, which is even worse! It’s like I know peace and serenity, I’m living in it and enjoying it, but then I sneeze and there I go back to a death grip on things that were in my life. Everything that is not happening now is not existing now, so then it’s all in the past and I choose to torture myself with shit that isn’t even in existence. I bring back all the painful and sad, happy and joyous things of what was, how crazy is that?! Reliving happiness can be just as detrimental as reliving sadness. The vigilance needed to walk the path my God has laid out for me is kookoo. Like to stay on course and live by these spiritual principals is hard work, and that there is where I run back into that which harms me, aggression.
As I said earlier, I do not do aggression well, I am not of that life and forcing myself to be a certain thing or act a certain way is aggression. Force in this scenario is aggression, aggression towards life, aggression towards me. Everything in my life requires a light touch, the softness of love, the elegant touch of God. “Oh, I’m grasping, I should let go and surrender” “I’m resenting, I should find forgiveness and come back to now” “I’m longing, I should be present and awake”. The fix so simple to the pains I create in my life, but yet so hard to act on, why?
Some might think the why matters, but does it? Do we really need to know all the answers, can’t we just be ok with knowing the solution? Our incestuous need for control runs so deep in us, we don’t even know we are in it most times. How fickle and unruly our egos can be with fear being the great motivator for all this…
Oh how I miss the road, the endless two lane highways, the emptiness of the desert, windswept mountain tops, trees and squirrels and rain and snow and so much life surrounding me with nothing to fear, no demands to adhere to, no clients to please, no people to understand, no loves to be had. I was so close to God when I was out there and alone, the reminiscing of this brings up a sadness I’d rather not feel. And there I go, longing and grasping instead of finding gratitude and acceptance. Take notice and come back to now. Back to the keys beneath my fingers, the sharp pain in my back from over-achieving with moving rock last week, my frozen toes, the scent of Nag Chapa, the taste of my coffee. Back to this moment, the reality that I am as close to God as I wish to be and needing the road to feel as such is a lie I tell myself to avoid being open and vulnerable to the world around me. How fortunate am I to be alive today, to have this tiny moment of truth and understanding, to have the freedom that comes along with surrender and acceptance.
I started with craving, maybe cause my mind was bored and in avoidance, maybe cuz I was feeling lonely or resentful, whatever it was it is no longer here and so it does not matter. It is nearing that time that I head out the door to work, to put smiles on peoples faces. How fortunate am I that I get to make people happy for a living, that I get to meet so many different people, that I get to employ someone. How fortunate am I that I get to feel all the feelings and not use because of them. How fortunate am I that I get to live in love and not in fear for this very brief moment in time.
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