I’m 45 today. It’s weird to say, I don’t feel like I’m that old. 45, it’s like some type of joke and I’m going to wake up and someone is going to tell me I’m only 30. I look in the mirror and see myself as that 30 year old, full of testosterone and ego, although the ego has faded greatly and the testosterone is waning. My left foot hurts - planter fasciitis, my right knee is sore – sprained MCL, both shoulders make noises and have constant pain – grade 2 and 3 separations, a script for Xanax – occasional anxiety, every once ina while I get the prostatitis… Fuck, I’m doing pretty good at 45! No sunspots YET, I have all but 2 of my original teeth, I have an amazing head of hair and I can do like 12 pushups! I mean I really do have it good. How could I feel 45? I’m nowhere near rockstar status like some other fellas I know at this age but I’m pretty happy with myself. Even mentally I aint do’n to bad, I aint wanted to die ina long time (like many many many years)! Crazy how I would gage my mental stability by that, “Well I haven’t wanted to die lately so I’m doing excellent”.
I think as we grow the mental peace should increase and the physical prowess and well being should lessen. I’m on track with that, well today I am. As much as I don’t fear death I do fear my longevity. There is much I want to accomplish in this life and have yet to and would really like the opportunity to do so. There were so many years where I felt incapable of accomplishing anything, I was only able to use drugs or I was only able to paint and needed to settle there, the growth from dope to painting/productive member of society was fast and then I stalled out there. I had no idea I could be more and that more has nothing to do with career or prestige, it has to do with the innards. That the vision of self could be grate, I could be happy and at peace. I had no idea how smart and kind I was, how capable I was of accomplishing anything I chose to.
I’m approximately 10 months away from leaving, 10 months away from risking my security and mental stability. That’s a lie, I’ve never really been that mentally stable. Mental stability is a perception, those we think who are crazy might really have all the answers. 10 months from living ina van by myself for an indefinite amount of time. I don’t put a ton into talking about this cuz I know how quick life can change and how lonely it is out there. My test run 3 years back taught me a lot, how Verizon doesn’t work everywhere, how it gets really lonely at times, how water is priceless and how my happiness is on the road and living arduously. I must struggle, I need to endure, it’s what makes me happy, the challenge, the push to find happiness in times of difficulty. I’m 10 months away from the unknown, the empty that is so full - my life will runith over.
I just need to survive the fear, survive the naysayers. I was talking with a friend the other night and he was asking how I was going to afford this trip and what am I going to do with the business and what about when I get back and what if I run out of money and what if it doesn’t work out. It was a shock to my system, I’ve yet to have anyone question this path I am walking down. I get it, it’s out of concern and maybe some curiosity. I told him I had money saved and I’ll close the doors of the business and I have no idea if I’m even coming back and if I run out of money I’ll ask him for some. I mean at some point you have to believe that the path your traveling is the one you are supposed to travel and if destitution is the end of the journey then so be it. I mean did you really believe I was going to spend the rest of my days pushing a paint brush for money? I have forever had another life that needed living, I’ve just had a daughter to raise, a commitment to keep to her.
You ever think why you have something? Like my business, I think I do so well with it and have so much money - I’m ghetto rich – is so I can help others, so I can donate so much of it and buy people things and lend it out to never get it back, so I can hire people that can’t get jobs. I have no other explanation as to why I am so successful in business or should I say no other reason why. You know what I mean. I’ve been given this to help others. I’ve seen plenty of people work hard and not achieve the success I have, I’ve also seen others fall in the butter and not share a dime. Theirs is not of my concern. I know why I am successful, so I can share it with everyone around me. It’s the same with my daughter. I don’t think I really had any other purpose in this life but to be selfless, compassionate and to raise her. It’s a lot to put on her at times, saying stuff like she is my only purpose. Cuz maybe she could personalize it and then could feel guilt for anything that didn’t work out in my life cuz I chose to raised her or something I might have missed out on or her needing to stay a part of mine cuz I speak so highly of my devotion and purpose to raising her. I don’t know if that makes sense or not, maybe thats just my crazy coming out, my codependency, my insecurities. None the less she is the best thing to ever happen to me..
I might not never know why I’m alive, how come I’ve been so lucky to have survived this long, to be healthy. Maybe it was to give as much as possible of what I’ve worked for, maybe it was to raise Delaiah, maybe there is no purpose as to why I exist. I had always needed to know when I was young, well into my early 20’s, forever asking the question, “why am I alive” and today, well that no longer matters to me. I do not care as to why I was given life or lived this long, I just know I need not waste any time I have left on in this body.
My hope is that this 46th year I am embarking on I am able to be kindness, to live in generosity, to be forgiveness and to find a deeper love of self. That I can remain teachable and humble, that fear will not run my life. My hope is that all sentient beings find happiness and that they never stray from that happiness. That all sentient beings live in grate equanimity and have an inner peace they never dreamt possible.
Had you told me this is where I would be at 46 when I showed up to NA I woulda laughed till I cried. Thank you to all who got me here, the old timers, the newcomers, the relapsers, the steadfast, all my sponsors and everyone in my Narcotics Anonymous family.
Namaste 🙏🏻
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