Well, it’s been an adventure so far. Maybe not a physical one, but definitely one in the existence department. I woke at 3:30 this morning, as I do most nights when I don’t take something to keep me asleep. They say God comes to visit you at that time and if you do wake, you should stay awake and listen. Well, it’s 3:58 and I haven’t heard anything yet. Although I did realize that my computer is starting to fail, what’s another $1200 to add to the trip right? I say this with a tinge passive aggressiveness.
I’ve accepted this life long ago and the karmic treasure chest that leads it. At times I think, “I musta been a real piece of work, for many lifetimes to get what I am getting now.” My luck, my luck is dismal to say the least. One of my closest friends told me he doesn’t even want to walk across the street with me my luck is so bad. That there is some funny shit, and true! I’m on my 3rd engine in the van, I just dropped 4K on a new pump for work for the tax write off and now I need a computer. When I first woke I thought of just splitting to my sisters before sunrise, but then remembering all the coyotes I’ve seen mangled on the side of the road, I measured my luck against the odds and decided to wait till first light to leave. And all that is ok, I’ve acceptance in my life today.
It's not always a pretty acceptance, sometimes I need someone to help me get across the line that goes from “fuck this life” to “it is what it is”. But I get there and sometimes that’s all that matters. Like getting my bike stolen about a month back, that was 3K, gone. But what can you do right, it’s not like I haven’t caused that kind of financial loss in someone else’s life, and you can bet over all my lifetimes I most definitely caused 10 times that amount.
I wonder, if I can accept so much of what happens to me in life, why do I fear something happening? Why do I fear hitting an animal in the middle of west Texas if I am going to fall into acceptance of it at some point? My torn meniscus has been sore the last couple days, I really don’t want a bad flare up as it will hinder my activitiness come next Wednesday when I pick up Jenni. But if it does have a bad flare up, I’ll accept it and find a work around. So why do I have the of fear it of possibly happening?
Is it that I have plans and I don’t want those plans to be altered? With the van, is it that my monies are only stacked so high, and I don’t want to spend a boat load of it? With Jenni, is it that I don’t want to let her down if my body decides to take a timeout?
I think I keep score somewhere in my head. I’ve this list of things that happen on the daily, small as they are at times, but I keep a mental list of them. I think that list creates some of the fear I have. This trip for instance: oil leak couldn’t be fixed in time, cracked windshield in Phoenix, knee acting up, egg rolled off the counter the other morning, a bush was touching the van two nights back and now there are ants in here, computer needs to be replaced sooner than later.
So, in 4 days all that happened. I think I keep that list in my head and adjust my decision making, fear of what else could happen. Even though I’ve accepted it all, I still hold on to it. How come I don’t make a list of all the things that have worked in my favor?
I’ve woken up every day of my life. That there, right there, that trumps all the shit that happens in life, I still get to wake up. I mean we can add in other things too if that’s not enough right. Like I’ve a home and food and not one, but 2 vehicles. I’ve my health, all my appendages, I’ve happiness and love in me, towards me and all around me. I’ve met an amazing human being and she fancies me, I had a dog once that was the best dog ever, I’m presently drinking a killer cup of coffee this morning. This list could be so fucking long my fingers would cramp if I tried to type it all down...
So wait, why am I in fear again, or melancholic over some stuff happening in the last few days. Well happening in this lifetime to be exact, but we’ll just deal with this the last few days, you know, that whole living in the now thing I try to practice. My life is overfilled with good, even if my luck sucks often. But the question still remains, why am I/was I in fear of leaving at 3:30 this morning to head to my sisters? My abundance of good isn’t a measuring stick to this, but my misfortunes are, but why? Why be in the fear, why not surrender to it all?
Every day I wake I am that much closer to my death, not even knowing if my expiration date is today. My mortality is so fragile, so delicate, but yet I don’t fear my demise, ever. And that really is the only thing that should be on my mind, I could die today. We fear death so much that we don’t ever think about it happening to us. We don’t talk about it; we hide from it and our fragile ego’s control it all. “I would be gone if I died, I would miss out on so much, I love my life I don’t want to lose it.” Do you think if I stayed close to this reality, that my death could come at any time, that I would be less likely to hold tight to all these things, to all the fear.
I think I would cherish so much more in life. I would see the cracked egg on the floor of the van and see how artistic it looks rather than seeing a mess to clean up. If I did take out a coyote, I would see it as a soul being freed from its physical form and given the opportunity to possibly level up in its karmic transition. I believe I would have a view of the world that God wanted me to have, one of understanding and love and compassion. I would see things as a child does with its pure heart and mind of wonder. I would be freed of this human experience.
And its times like this, these moments of realization or gaining a deeper connection to the universe that I see that I have been living wrapped up in self and not open to the world around me. A tunnel vision that has skewed my sight and how I really need to let go of the trappings of life and reconnect to what opens me up to the world. I really am starting to realize this morning how much fear I am really living in, how much avoidance I have in my life today.
Now if I can only bottle up this train of thought and dip into it throughout the day. Come back to it every hour or so, as to remind myself that life really is easy and simple if I am open and trusting of the process, if I am in acceptance and have complete surrender. Come back to it as I come back to the card she left for me in the van, hidden in a cubby with thoughtful words and covered in her perfume. I smell that card, and I am taken right back to her love and kindness, to the shape of her hand and the tiny kisses I seek. If I could have a reminder that life is more precious than I ever thought it was, and that I need to see it as so. That shit happens and that I shouldn’t keep a mental list of it. That everything can be new and interesting if I just let go of all my preconceived notions and prior experiences…
It's a new day my friends, one that we have been given the privilege to live, let us not waste it on things of no merit. Let us be open and compassionate and kind and loving, let us not live in fear or control or longing or regret. This could be our last day on earth, how would you like to live it?
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