Always forgetting the end result is death, so anything else is just a moment in time..

I still can’t wrap my head around it, my existence. It’s simple but I complexify it so elegantly. I get so bored, the revolving days, make money, eat, watch tv, date someone for a minute, repeat. I get lost in YouTube videos and scrolling through a never ending feed of pics and lame ass memes on social media. I bet drinking would make all this so much better; I can be a 45 year old creep in dive bars and frequenting the 7/11 for freedom of my mind. Although I know how I get when I drink, granted it’s been over 18 years but I’m sure I haven’t changed any in that department. Coveting from a corner and looking to fight anyone that I feel inferior to…

I just looked to my left and see a book with her name on it, I think she brought it home from jail. The thought occurs, maybe it’s love that is missing, maybe that is the cure to boredom, this repetitive life. Maybe if I had “her”, if I let myself go and trusted in love/relationships my life would lose some of its repetitive boredom. I spent the last few years removing that thought, that idea that relationships bring happiness. I mean if you need to be with someone to be happy, holy fuck. But I’m happy so that’s not the road I want to go down. I’m unfulfilled with life. I will never have enough money so I won’t even bother going into making more and how it will change something in my life. So why not travel across the US and maybe my life will become an adventure, it will change. Is it weird that I can accept that I will never have enough money so I don’t try and acquire more but I won’t accept the boredom of my life? I think if I accepted it I would find great misery and depression beyond anything my chemical imbalance has brought forth to date. Accepting boredom would be like rolling over and dying.

And every small act of disagreement in my life pushes me to leave, so easy to run, but is it running? I get fed up, I look at my life and the on goings and a stark reality reveals its head - two steps forward, one step back. But that is most everyone’s existence, right? I mean please don’t tell me no different, I need to believe this or the vail of my sanity will truly fall. I was riding in Irish Hills yesterday and was thinking, I should start to keep score. Pluses and minuses on my life. Didn’t crash riding my bike, plus. Got bumped again to have my van worked on, minus. Start adding up the wins and losses and see the tally at the end of the day, end of the week. Then I can sit in my self-obsessed world and wonder how I have survived this long without fucking it all off. I truly am my worst enemy.

I won’t keep a tally tho, I wouldn’t want the vail to fall, for I would fall with it. Spiraling down to where I dragged myself from years ago. I would be the cynical, the angry, the loaded on resentment and anger. I don’t want to know the score in my life. I know what you’re thinking, ‘your clean so you have had the biggest win ever’, I get it, I understand that win. But there are categories here, levels, views, perceptions, so much complexity that it’s not worth going over. Self-obsession. Manipulation. Ego.

I knew I would never win at this, fall in the butter and swim about in slippery circles. It’s a reality I can accept, someone has to be the player. Someone has to trudge. And you sit there, reading this and maybe thinking, “You trudge? Do you have any idea my fight, my struggle?” “Your life is that of unicorns and fairy dust, Madonna Inn cake and fancy refrigerators.” “You don’t know my plight, my road. I wish I had it as good as you.” And if this is your perception you are receiving me wrong. You are placing your resentment for your life in the view of my words. I used to do that often, the victimizing. I still get into it at times, but I do not stay long. I find acceptance, yet change is elusive.

All these things I have do not make up the happiness I long for, dangerous I know. Desiring anything is very dangerous. But still I long for it, equanimity, the simplicity of not letting the pluses and minuses of my life slowly kill me. Draw it back to the moment, the Be. Here. Now. Bring it back to this time, this existence, this moment that I stray so far from. The one that keeps me out of desire, the one that knows no symbols, that cannot count. The one that can only see my breath, computer keys, seeing letters magically appearing and turning into words in front of my eyes. Watching my fingers pop around the keyboard, misspelling every 5th word. The moment that doesn’t let ego in, where a broken heart is only any attachment to a feeling that has long passed. Where a kiss is not needed and money is irrelevant.

I do not wish to live in the world where I feel lost, detached from what brings joy into my life. I still have little idea of what brings me happiness, I know selflessness is what brings me my most pleasure in this life. I know living on the road has always brought me a joy I could not explain with the smartest of words. I know making people smile, giving them that glow of happiness makes me feel worthy. I would leave tomorrow if I could, find a place to call home, a woman to love, more kids to raise. Chase down all the stuff that brings me joy. I have been so safe my entire life, risked nothing in fear of not having what I needed, in fear of the outcome, the end result – always forgetting the end result is death so anything else is just a moment in time.

I have this wild idea that anything is possible, that I can step out into the world by letting go of the idea that I have security and being open to whatever is next. The idea that maybe if I followed my heart and didn’t live in fear, I might come across what makes me happy and get to live in it. Whether it be a trip, a new job, a woman, ina van down by the river. Maybe, just maybe if I got honest with self and trusted that there is nothing to trust and moved forward, maybe my crazy won’t be that crazy and I will achieve the equanimity I have been working towards my entire life.

So now I ask you, where is your purest happiness and are you living in it? Do you sit in thought as I and wonder what it would be like to fully surrender. What is the magnet in your world that pulls you towards it and do you resist? Are you centered, are you here now? Are you as confused as I am? Is confusion just a simple reasoning for going against the grain of your life?

🙏🏻