I’m now aware of why people ½ way through life do not just up and change their lives, it ain’t easy by any means. I mean unless you have endless amounts of money and access to a high paying job where ever you go. But I guess if you were changing your life it could be more than likely include your profession too? Maybe most people that change their lives just move or find a new lover or a new house, maybe all three to actually constitute a life change? I’m trying to do none of the above and maybe that’s why the mountain is so tall. I’m not just trying to change my life, I’m trying to live it in a manner that is extremely unconventional. For instance, I’m currently sitting in the waiting room of my dentist office and I was thinking as I was getting ready to come over here, “Where am I going to get me teeth fixed when I’m living out of my van trapesing around country.”
Now that’s a very real situation I will run across. My teefers are horrible, I didn’t brush them often as a kid, bad teeth run in the family and when I was loaded I don’t know if I ever brushed them? Maybe when they felt like a fur coat? I seem to get fillings all the time, on the x-rays it looks like my mouth got hit with buckshot. Over the past 20 years I have been taking care of them, obsessive to a point at times. I am constantly flossing them throughout the day.. I say this to compensate for the statement about the buckshot, even though it shouldn’t matter what you think about me, I guess I’m lacking spiritually so I need to compensate. None the less, on a budget with no income, how am I supposed to accomplish these things? I know, I don’t know how all this is going to turn out. I’ve no idea what it’s going to look like when I leave, the monies I’ll have, the possible incomes (like the post, sign up to follow the blog, share the sight, help me provide an income lol), like anything is possible. I know fear has stopped me from progressing in my life, stopped me at every turn of change. I stop living in the present moment and start living in the what if.
Truth is I could die today, walk out my door and get into a horrific accident and die or get maimed or paralyzed. There are so many unforeseen possibilities that my mind doesn’t want to think about, that if it did I might be propelled into truly living my life. If I knew tomorrow was my last day on earth I wouldn’t be all, “Well I don’t know how I’m going to fill a cavity, so I better just stay home.” Some people have a way of not caring about something so small, maybe there is no self-worth to care as we see in active drug addicts, maybe they have the unhindered faith that it will all work out. I don’t know, but I do know there are many like me that think, how am I going to do all this with less than what I have now, these things are a priority to me yet being happy is just as much of one. How do I accomplish all of it? And there in lies the problem for myself, I stop living in the moment and start living in tomorrow. Odd’s are I might not make it on this trip, when it comes time to leave the fear might be to great. Do I say this to keep myself pushing forward to not fear the future or do I say this cause this is a very possible reality. Does it matter why I say it?
I just want to be content, not happy, not in love, content, at peace with myself. Through contentment I will find my happiness, it will not stray nor fluctuate, it well not get me high or drop me low, it will be the hum of a singing bowl, the silence of white noise. It will be steady, unwavering. It will be soft and simple, elegant in its simplicity. I will smile and I will cry and be at acceptance at every turn. I will not need to leave, nor will I need to stay, there will be no need. I will permeate joy at every turn, embracing everything that comes my way. I will have contentment. If I have nothing else in this lifetime, I would like to have this. It is called equanimity. I think I know where it’s at, I think I know how to find it, I’ve been searching for it all my life. I get close to it, I encounter moments of it, it’s like laying in a field of flowers with theirs fragrances wrapping around me, the warmth of the sun dancing on my face. I’ve searched for it everywhere, woman, drugs, money, ego – it’s a very self-centered list. I find it when I’m alone most times, when I’m walking out my door in the morning and I realize the moment, when I am of service to someone for no reason but to be of service, when I am void of self, when life around me falls apart and I stay steady, when I know what god is, when I am in acceptance. I know equanimity, I’ve met it many a times in my life. It’s has been a constant at times, it has been fleeting and it has always been a moment, it has always been unchanging of it’s true form. I do not long for it yet at times I miss it, not realizing it is right here with me, in front of me and always accessible. It can be effortless or sought after but never forged, never molded or pressed into existence – aggression in either direction does not create it…
I don’t know if there was a proper way to end that paragraph, I could go on and on describing what equanimity is to me or what it means to me. As vast as it is, it is small and simple and I would like to live in it a little more. And you know what the funny thing is, just the subtle way of saying I would like to live it more, it actually takes me away from living it.
Comments