We give it all away, we gather the remnants of what was and set it adrift into the cosmos. After years of trying, we start to understand in small moments that holding on too yesterday or an old feeling or a cherished memory only stalls the life before us. There’s looking back to what was with contentment and acceptance and then there’s looking back with longing and sadness. We pack up our previous lives, wrapping the fragile to take care and setting it all on a shelf, discarding the unused and not needed. Sweeping out the corners and creating an open space that has not been seen in years, washing the windows, repairing the cracks and holes left behind by a life lived.
Walking away with no feelings is an art form, one of which I have never mastered or ever tried to. The aggression it takes to free yourself from what was in an instant, to relieve the pressure of the vacuum change has created – for me it’s all too much. When we run from a past that is gnawing at our heart it only bites at our heal's till we let it do its thing with us. That is not to say we become victims of our minds or our insatiable desire to relive memories, I’m saying we live through the good and bad of it all and continually let it go and come back to the moment. Come back to our breath, come back to the place where nothing sticks like thorns or cuts like knives, to the place where everything is surrendered. Maybe you come back to what you believe in, to what has kept you safe from yourself.
I have been working at letting go and moving on, I’m only now hanging on to fear and some things that never were. It is all created by mind and desire, it is all fear. I forever have this idea that there is security in what was, in four walls and warm hearts. Always forgetting that it’s always what was, there is no security in something that no longer exists. Packing up my life into tiny boxes and putting them on shelves is no easy task, walking into the unknown with no guarantees just adds to the difficulty of it all. But something keeps pushing me in this direction, through the fear, past the memories. It opens me in a way I have not felt in many years, truly opens me to wonderment and possibility, to a freedom from my imaginary control.
I was in my early 20’s when I first felt this feeling, when I embarked on this journey. When I tripped around a couple states, when I worked my way towards getting clean, when I let go of in love and worked towards the unconditional aspect of it. There was no stability in my childhood, I come from a long line of inconsistent love and trust, it was years of hide and go seek. Always hanging on to the what was and trying to recreate that short-lived feeling of security and comfort. All the while never being taught that nothing is forever and the way to hold onto something is to let it go. Never being told it’s ok to be sad or lost or in some sort of pain and to not try and change it, to make it better. Always running from the experience instead of being with it, always walking away with resentment and carrying it for what feels like a lifetime instead of accepting it for what it was and moving on.
Now here I sit with more change than I care to undergo in 2 months. Holding on to “what was” so tight at one point, to have it all removed from my kung fu action grip and bleeding-heart desires. It’s almost poetic in the way it’s all coming about, I’ve been on this course for some time now. I was thinking things out into the universe forgetting the power of self-fulfilling prophecy. I was dreaming on these lonely nights from my couch of crazy and self-obsessive thought, wanting change, wanting to feel something, anything and God listened. He gave me love, laughter, opportunity, selflessness, sadness, pain and now here I sit taking in the change and working on letting go of all the feelings attached to it.
As much as it is to take on, it’s really not that much. It’s not that the universe isn’t giving me more than I can handle, it’s that it’s a choice as to how I want to handle it. Aggression in either direction causes attachment and desire and attachment and desire is what got me into these emotional conundrums. I must remain open and willing to walk the path before me, no matter how I think it looks or how it feels. I need not trust the process, I just need to be in the moment, watching it unfold. Life can be an amazing adventure if I remain present, even in the dullest of times. It’s not easy to be with feelings, to accept change, to move on, to be forgiving and all who do not run from these things will find grace beauty in all of life, even in the most difficult experiences.
My gratitude today is beyond measure and I feel it’s only cuz I have been willing to be here now. I have shortcomings, I start to run and then remember I do not need to. I fall into aggression and then realize that it only heightens the experience to be more than it is. It’s a daily practice to be open, to be present, to walk through the fear and be kind to all...
I’ve no idea what is next for me, probly reread, upload this to the blog and gather my stuff to get out the door for work.
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