Life has come back around to somewhat of a standstill, like an old train idling and waiting to leave the station. I guess a little reprieve from the constant change I endured the last few months is a good thing, although it did make life exciting. Whether it’s a high or a low, I feel alive experiencing anything and needing to feel alive is what has always been my greatest strength and weakness. It has caused some pains beyond measure and joys that I still feel today even though some were had 20+ years ago. I don’t know if you could call me an adrenalin junky by any means, maybe you could call me manic, but either way I do crave feeling anything physical, emotional or spiritual – gimme all the shocks to my system for I feel dead inside without them.
Recently I caught up with an old friend, we’ll call her M. She has a wanderlust about her soul, she might be living a conventional life as I write this, but M is an unconventional woman. We talked of everything really, it warmed my heart to see the light in her, the freshness of her spirit. We settled on love and travel, as all wild hearts do, ‘let’s go somewhere, lets fall in love, lets chase dreams and live life.’ We agreed that money was not mecca and stability is for the stable people, willing to walk away from both to live or love is worth it at any time. M talked of a guy she is smitten with even though the red flags are abound, she wants to push forward. I get it, I encountered red flags recently. I unknowingly made a scarf out of them and a throw pillow and a cozy blanket to wrap myself in. It ended tragically for me as most loves do, yet still I’ll say, ‘throw caution to the wind cuz anything is possible and lets live for happiness and not for safety.’
It’s romantic isn’t it, to live for the things that soak deep down into the bones of our soul, to live for the things that fulfill our hearts desires. I know, very unBuddhist of me to lean into desire, but that is why I am only a part-time Buddhist (do you know how hard it is to write about life and experiences while sitting in an apartment, in the sleepy town of San Luis Obispo and dating being a rarity in my life. I either want to live some stupid adventure or fall so deep in love that the grayest of days still hold the brightest of colors in my heart. Even for only a few months with a heartbreak at the end, I could at least look back at the experience and know I lived).
In the end I encouraged M to try it with said flag man, ‘fuck it, what do you have to lose, nothing.’ I give the same advice to anyone I talk with, ‘don’t play it safe, go live, go risk, go try the craziest of ideas, go do what you think is impossible, go follow your dreams and your heart.’ And yes, following your heart is a fool’s errand, but rather it be a fool’s errand than a life not lived.
So then it comes back to me, it always comes back to self, right. I am the fool in need of running errands, I am the fool in need of chasing dreams and living unbound to the conventional or safe. I have been working towards this for a few years now and it has all fallen into place, like recent years have been a Tetris game and god finally dropped the right pieces. I process all this through you, as we do in society – processing through one another, except I give you the option to click a link and don’t take you hostage on the phone or fill up your social media with self-obsessed dribble. I didn’t know it but I needed to talk with M, I needed to hear what she was saying. Sometimes we find ourselves in the exact place where we are supposed to be, the timing is perfect and we are open enough to see what is unfolding. I think these times happen often, but we are not completely present to experience them. We are either stuck in the past or on a desire or self-obsessed and unable to hear what is being said or see what is unfolding.
And now I move slowly, like the train rumbling through town, like the snail, like the wanderer in the desert under the summer sun. In times of excitement I try to walk, but I am not always successful. I feel like I just came down off a long run, a 3 day run cuz a 2 week run would have me face down in the dirt. It’s that feeling like a couple grams of mushrooms is starting to kick in, that calm slow feeling, looking around in wonderment watching the dust settle. I can breathe again.
My daughter is now living in LA with her friends, I’ve been waiting a few years for this to happen. My ex-wife is dealing the best she can, their relationship was strong and close and I know how hard this transition is for them and it’s my job to be there as best I can for the both of them. I am no longer in need of moving out of my apartment (I packed and was ready to go in 2 weeks), I’ve been given till the first of the year, so my place will stay in storage and I will become more accustomed to this minimalist life. All my jobs are complete but 2 of them and those are a couple months from being finished. Other changes are slowly taking shape and I will wait those out before getting deep in them and I see my trip happening around the first of the year.
Rereading that paragraph it all seems so cut and dry now, so simple. But getting here, my god has it been a tumultuous affair. So many ups and downs, lefts and rights, highs and lows. I saw this ending/beginning years ago and thought it would never mature, but it almost has. I guess what I was told back in 2012 when my life took on its biggest change ever really is true, in the end everything is going to be ok, and if it’s not ok then it’s not the end.
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