21 years clean, there’s almost nothing exciting about it, like the time has become irrelevant. It no longer feels like a feat I have accomplished, like I’ve done this amazing thing staying clean this long. I feel the same as every other morning I wake, a little groggy.
I remember getting 15 years clean and sitting in my bed with a cup of coffee and crying over the joy of staying clean that long. I was so grateful, the emotions so high and heavy, like I had survived a war. And in fact I had, I was 3 years out of a divorce that I’m really not sure how I didn’t get loaded over and at the tail end of an insane relationship with a practicing addict.
This last year of clean time was not as gnarly, thank God. I had been in love and thought she was the one, I made some money, I avoided covid (so far), I shut down my business and traveled for 3 months - actually being able to live a dream. I all but abandoned NA at one point, saw my dad get off fentanyl and lost a couple friends to the disease. Saw my daughter flourish, my ex-wife fall in love and two friends I cherish come home from timeout’s. There’s more that happened but those things stand out…
Honestly, I do not know why I am trying to even write, it feels I’ve nothing in me to share. Since I got home from that trip I’ve been a vacant vessel of meat, no feelings in my heart or soul. No grasping at ideas and turning them into ways of life or exploring their origin. I’ve been here, in the apartment, in meetings, in life, just living it like a civilian. The more I shut up and listen the more I see my self-centeredness and ego play a role in my life. Such a role that speaking should not occur.
Fact is I’ve strayed so far from self-obsession that I recognize so much more around me and I’m unable to walk with such a smile and extreme gratitude for myself. I watch and listen and have some happiness but more sympathies for those around me and at the same time that flits with turning into ego and judgement. So have I really stayed that far from self-obsession or is it just wearing a new mask?
I think of my life and my direction and my 21 years of clean time. Me being the common denominator of failed relationships, my desire to have things, the lack of things I have (I know ironic), the idea that I wasn’t bored with life and that I was instead depressed. And really all this thought is just me thinking about myself and I am so sick of myself.
Do you ever feel that way? Just so sick and tired of thinking about me and my wants and my needs and my direction and my feelings and my life and me me me. Someone please shut this fucking guy up. There’s a reason why monks get quiet and small and simple. Why Buddhism teaches the practice of one-pointedness and being slow and methodical in all you do. To have precision and take great care in all actions.
And then I post to FB my clean time today and the gratitude kicks in - thank you Narcotics Anonymous, thank you to all who have been part of this - the removal of self-obsession. I’ve little to do with any of it, all I had to do was not get loaded one day at a time. NA and the people in it really put in the work, showing me the way and tolerating my self-centered nonsense. I’ve more gratitude today for those who have come before me then ever before. I need to see those people with more clean time than me still coming around, so I know this hasn’t been all for nothing (again self-centeredness).
Yesterday I had the thought that my work here in NA is not done yet, there are still addicts that need my help, and not just my help but the help of all recovering addicts. My help is not that special, my individual help should have no light shed upon it, ever. Like don’t recognize me as an individual, recognize me as a member of NA who is just regurgitating stuff I read or heard, sharing experiences I was lucky to have.
You know it’s weird, most of my life I wanted to be an individual, I wanted to be recognized and adored, sought after. Now I just want simple and low key, I don’t mind being a cog in the machine or a number of the masses. I’d like happiness above fame, gratitude above fortune, wisdom above knowledge. Less of me and more of you. I don’t know if this is clean time talking or 47 years of life, either way it’s far better than what I was feeling in years past.
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