47 and happiness

I’m 47 today, so weird to say that, 47. 50 is in my sights and I feel like I’m only 30. I can see the age in my eyes, the creases on my face, my lovely crow’s feet. I’ve never taken on the battle to look young and gave up looking cool when I sold my Haley. I’m 47 today and I’ve no direction in my life. Here at my sisters, looking at her and Glen’s lives together, the money being made, the options they have. Mine so small compared to theirs, mine so large compared to others. Comparing aside, it’s the life they live that lends its way to all the comforts, but I’ve never been comfortable with all the comforts. I want to be, I want the easy and stable and contentment and all of it, yet is it really what I want. Down deeper, below the fear and addiction to easy and ego, I do not care if I have it all. I do not know how to live in such a life. I know struggle, I know arduous, I know simple. When I end up in this world is when it matters, the equitable job and big house and exotic vacations and all the things. When I am in my van, driving aimlessly, checking out small towns and nature, I am happy, is when I feel rich inside. When I have less, I have more.

Maybe it’s that I never really believed in myself to attain such lofty heights, like I’ve never been smart enough or talented enough. Maybe it’s that fear has always stopped me from taking the next step to be better than average or simple. The reason why no longer matters though, I would not change it if I knew what got me here, to be this person. I’m 47 and still I struggle with my making decisions and choosing life paths. I’ve lived an amazing life, I’ve been in love and have been loved, I was married once, I raised a daughter, I’ve had my own business for over 17 years, I know peace and equanimity, I’ve stayed clean for over 20 years. Yet still I’ve no direction, no destination in my sight, no desires. It feels like I should have some, desire something, want something for myself, but I don’t, I’ve no fire for anything and it feels wrong. But why? What if what I want is nothing and nothing is something. I look at the world around me and it’s driven by desire and greed and the need to be more, do more, just plainly and simply more. More has never made me happy, no matter how much I have acquired over the years, it has never made me happy. That true happiness, that deep down with in happiness. Momentary pleasure is what I have derived from it, but maybe it’s an accumulative effort that creates the deep down happiness. Maybe if I acquire enough things all the bits of pleasure they bring will bring a deep happiness. Probly not, but it was worth thinking about for a moment.

It sounds like I’m unhappy, that I am not. I’d like to say I’ve never felt happier but that is not true, anytime I see my daughter I have this unexplainable happiness and love swoon through me. But that aside, I am happy and content right now – I mean I’m sitting on a soft bed sipping coffee and writing, I couldn’t be anymore content and happy. I mean I literally closed up my life to come see my sister with no return date in mind. I figured a couple months out here, but that is looking like it wants to change, it might change? My attachment to the life I have in SLO and fear of losing all that I’ve worked for or the fear of failing if I let it all go and try something different is slowly losing its grip as the driving force to my decision making. I’ve a friend that says she wants security in a relationship, that’s like asking for security in life, there is no security, anywhere. It’s this made-up idea to make us feel safe, like there is such a thing as permanence, like doing all I can so I don’t lose all I’ve built. Clinging to it like it’s my life force, my ventilator, my pacemaker. I have this idea that if I stay still and make all the right choices, I’ll never need again and I’ll always have everything I have today. Hilarious I know.

Again, it’s not there is unhappiness, maybe I need to find a better word for it. You know in the last 18 days I have only woke one time feeling depressed and for someone who woke often with a feeling of gloom about his life, it’s been remarkable. The only time it all falls apart within in me is when I start thinking about what I am doing with my life right now. I’ve no direction so it’s kinda hard to just lock it down and go forth. I’ve outgrown my life, I can’t see it any other way, but now there is no life I can grow into, well no prefab life. I guess living out of my van could be it, at 47 lol. The age gets me, this is a young person’s lifestyle, not someone a handful and a half away from AARP. This is a rich, old person lifestyle, not someone who is living off their savings. I’m 47 today and what am I willing to risk to find a deeper sense of happiness with in me, a truer connection to it. Not forgetting life is not a movie show, it’s a show of moments and happiness only lives in those moments. Happiness is not at home waiting for me, the beautiful taste of love, nor is it in the bank collecting dust for a retirement I might not live long enough to see. Moments of happiness are when her lips brush against mine and for that moment only and then when she looks at me with adoring eyes, for that moment only. It’s when I put the quarters in the machine, happiness. When the Snickers bar slowly drops and I grab it, happiness. That first bite, the second bite, the third and fourth – happiness.

I’ve grown to stale at home, ungrateful, close minded and selfish. I’m 47 today and I’ve no idea what I am doing with this life of mine. And is it mine or just one I am living one. I grab it likes its mine and think I have control over it all cuz it’s mine. I’ve very little control over it, only the steps I take towards it and nothing more. I’m 47 today and I get to spend the day (and week) with my sister and her family. We are expected at a friend of theirs house in 60 minutes and I’ve eating and dressing to do. I would much rather sit here till I’ve nothing left to say about 47 and happiness, but that could go on forever. I’m lucky to have lived this long and to have all the joy and pains I’ve had over the years. Nothing bad has happened to me, I’ve only had experiences that have shaped me. I should let go one more time, let go and have faith, one more time. I know I would surely be amazed how the cosmos will take care of me.